1.
the perfect crime
2.
*dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit
3.
Cause I've... had... the time of my life
4.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
5.
i was once petsitting a salamander and i asked the owner what its name was and he said 'they have names but they don't share them with us'
6.
i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results
7.
I’m going to be laughing at this for hours.
8.
me, peeling tape off webcam: hey guys whats apoptosis mean? little FBI voice within my computer: programmed cell d… https://t.co/uwFZNQnRZm
9.
Stranger Things (2016)
10.
「Googleストリートビューに写り込んだ変な猫」のコスプレ。 #ハロウィン
11.
you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you bETTER WATCH OUT 🎅… https://t.co/zqVyytjeGo
12.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me "dad are clouds candy?" 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked "d… https://t.co/3ihhJlntGH
13.
uni deadlines fast approaching n av no got a fucking clue wit am dain, so it’s nice tae get a really inspiring fort… https://t.co/yaVX54Xnhb
14.
Me after selling my liver for $150,000, kidney for $200,000, my lungs for $60,000, and my eggs for $10,000.
15.
my friends vs me
16.
The last things I'll scream from my death bed
17.
OZYMANDIAS, THE FRESH KING OF KINGS I whistled for a traveler, and when he came near, His land was antique, and he… https://t.co/Ar4QKD37zs
18.
*uses last breath to grunt in Extremely Manly Voice* living is for GIRLS
19.
the strong feast upon the weak