back to top

27 Irrational Fears You Have If You Live In London

The steps on the escalator will collapse and you’ll fall in, and be ground to a pulp by the mechanics.

Posted on

1. That you’ll trip and fall onto the tracks of the tube and won’t be able to climb out.

2. Or someone will accidentally push you into the way of an incoming train.

3. Or you’ll get stuck in the doors and be dragged along the platform.

4. Or you’ll get stuck in the doors, with only your leg or arm out, and that part will be cut off when the train goes into the tunnel.

5. You’ll be pushed against a moving train, and you won’t die, but the speed and the friction will just peel all your skin off.

6. That the seats on the tube are crawling with bed bugs, and they’re all over your clothes.

7. And now they’re all over your possessions.

8. That the tube system might stop working suddenly while you’re on it and you’ll be stuck in a tunnel, in a metal tube full of strangers.

9. That your clothes will get trapped in an escalator and ripped off. You’ll be stuck in central London, naked and scared.

10. The steps on the escalator will collapse and you’ll fall in, and be ground to a pulp by the mechanics.

11. Or your foot will somehow get trapped in the escalator, in which it’ll be slowly mangled before you can be rescued.

12. Someone will sit next to you on an otherwise empty bus or tube carriage.

13. That you’ll have to go from North London to South London.

14. That you’ll have to take the Overground anywhere, basically.

15. Or worse, Southern Rail.

16. That you’ll stay out later than the tubes work and have to take a £50 Uber back home.

17. That the statistics saying you’re never more than six feet away from a rat are true.

18. Renting a really old flat and wondering if it was the scene of a grisly murder in the 18th century.

19. Wandering around Shoreditch and seeing a Jack the Ripper tour and wondering if your favourite burrito place or artisan leather shoe shop was also the site of a grizzly murder.

20. Falling asleep on the tube and waking up at the end of the line, with all your possessions stolen.

21. Getting a National Rail train thinking it’s just going to Clapham but it actually goes directly to Brighton and you can’t get off until you're literally at the coast.

22. Being trampled on Oxford Street during the Christmas sales.

23. Getting a room share and being suspicious of why the price is so reasonable. Are they planning to murder you?

24. Realising the average rent is way more than half your wage.

25. And your wage is going to pay for someone else’s mortgage.

26. Realising that you will probably never have enough to a by a home.

27. Wait, that one isn’t irrational.