The Ultimate Gift Guide To Your Office’s Lame Secret Santa

I bet you hate Secret Santa. And I bet, even though last year you swore that you wouldn’t take part any more, they tricked you into it again. Yes, Susan, I know I can afford $15. No, Susan, I’m not trying to boycott everyone’s Christmas spirit. No, I’m not the Grinch! Oh, for fuck’s sake… But fear not, my friend, for you are not alone! Here you have the ultimate guide to find the perfect gift, regardless of who’s name you picked.

For the office’s vegan:

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A packet of quinoa with a pretty gift card that says "This shit is crazy expensive. Are you sure you made the right decission? John said you can't even eat regular chocolate, WTF. xoxo"

For the nosey secretary:

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Your Facebook password. Nothing will make her happier. And she's going to find out all about your personal life anyways, so you might as well make this quick, in the spirit of Christmas.

For the sports fanatic:

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Lucky you! This is super easy! Google what sports games are coming up in your city, find out that the tickets are way over your price limit. Then, buy him a football.

For the guy with the new-born twins:

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Give him a box of ear plugs, and a hug. While you see the tears of joy in his face sigh and say "boarding schools are nice".

For the 40 year old spinster:

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By definition, spinsters love cats. So get her whatever that has a cat print on it. Like a mug, a tote bag, or - if such thing exists - a dildo. Explaining her what it is would be both funny and extremely awkward.

For that weird guy from accounting:

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A calculator. I hear that this people use them a lot. Thoughtful + practical gift = you nailed it!

For the woman in HR:

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These people are really into observing human behavior. Give her a coupon to be your +1 in your Family's Christmas Day Meal. Nothing will give her more joy than seeing your aunt Mary's manipulation skills in action.

For the new intern:

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You don't really know her, but you do know that millenials have a really bad music taste. She'll appreciate it if you buy her a nice classic album. Something inspiring, something from the golden era of music. So, either Backstreet Boys or the Spice Girls.

For the Secret Santa organizer:

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A turd. Ok, Susan, maybe you're right. Maybe I am a Grinch. Maybe I hate Christmas. Happy? Great, me neither.