25

The starting point.

Turning 20 was supposed to be the turning point of my life. I was excited beyond belief, and to this day, I still can't fully grasp why. It was internal; a new sense of worth flooded me. In the eyes of the rest of the world, I was an adult, and that's all I ever craved as a naive adolescent girl. I guess I imagined I would magically transform into everything I'd ever wanted to be overnight.

I spent the majority of my teens looking up to older girls and desperately wanting everything they had, none of which was material. I wanted that grace. I wanted that confidence - that pep in their walk that screamed "I have my shit together". I daydreamed of being in my twenties, of how 'cool' would ooze from my pores. I wanted to wear heels effortlessly and dress like I just got off the catwalk. I wanted to be calm and collected, and not the nervous, timid child I was. I thought I would be all that and more as soon as I hit 20. I wasn't.

It was a number that claimed I was ready for the world when I was anything but. I was still awkward. I walked horribly in heels. I made irrational decisions, and fumbled with wanting to be childish, but not knowing if it was appropriate for me to be so. I wasn't confident, I was arrogant. I thought I had attained that 'cool', when really I was just a snarky youth. I believed every opinion I had couldn't be challenged, just because I was an adult. My emotions were front and center and in charge of every hurdle and every choice. I'm not afraid to admit that I used sarcasm to lift myself up above others, but I am ashamed.

I stayed this way at 21. 22 was fun because Taylor Swift made it so. 23 felt like ages away from the beginning of my twenties. I was a new person with newer responsibilities, and a heightened sense of perceived understanding about how this world works. I dressed differently; sophisticated, put together. 24 was another "big year". It was the last year before I entered the quarter century, and the scarier half of my precious twenties. I was pretty sure I was set at 24. I had some grace. I wore heels on occasion and felt great about it for more than 30 minutes. It was also when I started to walk into stores and realize I really could not wear half of the t-shirts with pop culture references or neon yellow, or anything that I once found unique and bad-ass and it truly bothered me. At 23, I didn't even want to dress that way, but at 24, it hit me that I couldn't even if I did. I found myself wanting to be relatable to my younger, teenaged sister. I wanted to, both, affirm and convince her that she is a replica of my younger self, and that I'm not totally out of the loop because where was SHE when I fangirled over Kid Cudi? Where was she when I had a trendy blog of my own? I sought that approval from her just to feel like I hadn't lost the little bits of myself that were once characteristic of my persona. I honestly could not believe that I was no longer a free spirited being, and how much the weight of the world and its dark side actually tore me down. Needless to say, 24 was harder than I ever thought it would be, but I've only come to see this now. At 25.

It seems silly to believe that these ages, so close together, could be so different, but it's fact. I think the first half of our twenties are molding years. They're when our independence, and our stress, and our real-life experiences begin to form who we really are. We spend these years disoriented, almost. Fickle in our beliefs because we battle holding on to that arrogance that says we're right, and actually listening to other points of views and thinking about them. Whether we like to admit it or not, we spend this time being swayed by everything from set social standards and our very own friends who are wishy-washy as well on journeys of self discovery, themselves.

We start to find repetitious preferences in everything we do, and without being aware, those preferences and habits slowly become solidified into our personalities. I speak for myself, but undoubtedly many other girls, when I say I've experimented with it all. I was a different person every year of my life, but some things have stuck along for the ride. Those things, those are me. And only at 25 have I found them. Only now have I have embraced this collection of idealogies and desires and dreams. And only now are those dreams not so far away. The future that I spent my childhood fantasizing about is now.

All this, however, isn't to say that I'm complete, and that I'm never going to change past this day. I have years of life ahead of me to change stances, and temperaments, but this is where I begin to live with a clear vision and a true understanding of who I am right now and who I want to be later on. 25 is my starting point.

I still fight firmly for my beliefs, but my beliefs now have substance and knowledge to back them up, and most importantly, a little saved up room for leeway when I'm proven wrong. I don't search for the approval of anyone, because I am who I am, and I've met enough people that like me this way.

I'm not so harsh and critical of how my looks as I once was. That being said, I know the importance of a nightcream and I actually don't forget it anymore. I don't pick at my eyelashes during the day, and I don't tug at my eyes when I apply eyeliner, because wrinkles. I'm more comfortable than ever being make-up free, and I don't feel any hesitation looking anyone in the eye when I am. I mean, this is my face. I like fashion set for the woman I am, but I won't sacrifice comfort for the sake of it (talking to you, heels).

I am nice to girls. I am not at war with every female on the planet. I appreciate and openly compliment the beauty of other women rather than envy it. I am empowered and empower the female movement around the world.

I am polite no matter what the circumstances are. I am not easily infuriated by other people's ignorance or negativity. I don't fight. I have a vocabulary strong enough, and a mind intelligent enough to avoid being a sarcastic little bitch. I don't like the word bitch, but I use it too often. Hey, I didn't say I was perfect.

I have completely removed the idea of asking for a short cut or assistance when aiming at a goal from my mind. I know the only way I can get there is purely with hard work, and that's okay, because I have felt the satisfaction of achieving something through tireless days and nights, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am focused. No longer is 'free falling' my life mantra, nor my favorite song. I have a plan, that will obviously be altered numerous times from this day forward, but I HAVE A PLAN.

I dont rely on my wonderful memory before going to the grocery store - I make lists. I leave the house with enough time to get somewhere, and I use the bathroom before I go.

I love my friends, but I'm open to meeting new people, and letting them in the tough shell I placed everyone else on the other side of previously.

I cry and/or sob at Facebook videos about parents, and children, and long lost lovers because I'm in touch with my humanity and empathy, and don't shy away from it.

I choose to sleep and get a sufficient amount of rest, and I choose to start my day early and listen to the birds on my balcony with a cup of coffee.

I drive responsibly, because the thought of my safety and security is at the root of all my actions.

I am still sometimes guided by my emotions, but I know how to control the urge to act on them when the consequence is undesirable, because God knows I've had my share of that.

I water my plants like they are children of mine, and truly feel guilt and remorse if I'm late in doing so.

I know I like ankle boots. I know not to expect everyone else on the planet to think like me. I'm not a huge fan of the color red. I feel strongly about the city I'm from, and would wear a sign on my forehead expressing my love for it if need be. I don't find people falling funny.

I don't have an inate desire to rebel against rules or protocol.

I know the power of a beautiful smelling bath, and the worth of a luxurious towel. I know why a high thread count matters, and why pajamas that are not a high school t-shirt and sweats are heavenly.

I see a doctor when I'm sick.

All of these things are aspects of my life that were once different, that I looked right past. They're all things I spent the first half of my twenties figuring out. I was a mess back then, to be honest. But it's not that those years were bad years - they were just different. And every wrong choice and wrong move brought me to where I am right now, so I don't feel negatively about it. I read once that if we had done one thing differently in our past, we would not be living in the exact moment we are now. That's just crazy to think about. If I hadn't forgotten that rose, maybe I'd have liked the color red.

There was a period when I lived in regret over things I could have done differently in that first half. It ate at me, and I traded living in today for living in the past, where I had no power to alter my movements or heed any bad decision making. But that's just pointless.

At 25, I've forgiven my younger self for all her mistakes, and silly tendencies. Her biases, and her attitude. I forgive her for not being calm and collected. There's no way she could have acted differently. She acted her age. And now that girl I looked up to with a pep in her walk that screams "I have my shit together" - that's me.