If you're ever feeling too confident, and just disgustingly at peace with yourself, there is a cure for that : become a telephone "researcher". There's no better scenario for mental and emotional abuse than being the guy that wakes people up at 8 a.m. for a survey on cat and dog food. Only about 10% of the time will you get someone who agrees to it out of downright pity and sadness for you, and you learn it's totally possible to fall in love with a stranger over the phone. But every morning, you down your black espresso and brace yourself for responses like these :
1. "No, you may not speak to Charlotte. I'm Charlotte's father, you may speak to me."
Ok, sir I had some questions about the dog breeding that -
"Oh, no. You'd have to speak to Charlotte about that."
2. "Let me ask my manager."
*yells in background*
"Craig, just tell them I'm not here damnit."
*returns*
"Um, I'm sorry. She's actually not in today."
3. "That's my wife. She left."
Do you know what time she'll -
"No, she left. She left me."
4. Good morning!
*click*
Good morning! I think we may have gotten disconnected -
"No, we didn't. I didn't like your attitude."
5. "How did you get my number?"
Google.
"No, that is not true. I'm not registered on the Google. How did you get my number?"
6. "I just had my wisdom teeth removed, lady. It's been such a long day, and I'm so tired. I can barely speak. I'm hungry..."
7. "I can't understand you people from Europe. The way you speak.."
Sir, I'm an American.
8. "Oh, you're calling from Pareee. Why don't you have an accent? What's the weather like right now if you're in Paris? Don't look at your phone. What part of Paris are you in? Bet you didn't know it had parts."
9. "You're calling from actual France?
Yes, Paris.
"What did you say? Terrace? Is that T-E-R-R..."
10. "No you most certainly may not speak to me right now. I am busy cuddling my cats. If you would just give me 10 more minutes..."
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