What If "American Horror Story" Was British?

With the upcoming season of 'American Horror Story: Hotel' announced, it seems high time that alternative story lines were explored.

1. Greggs

Plot: It's lunchtime. There's a queue. There's no steak bakes. It's a nightmare.

2. Glastonbury

Plot: Maroon 5 are headlining.

3. Wimbledon

Plot: Andy Murray's been possessed by a demon and savagely devours the crowd with his dour personality. He's also losing the tournament.

4. Hollyoaks

Plot: An insane network programmer sends spines shivering when she decides to play Hollyoaks on repeat - all day every day - for a full week.

5. Danny Dyer

Plot: Danny Dyer takes up the role of a lifetime as Mercutio in Shakespeare's beloved 'Romeo and Juliet' and single-handedly manages to destroy all faith in the human race.

6. Primark

Plot: A young girl and her mother are spending a saturday shopping in Primark, when it's announced that there's a discount on jeggings and a stampede ensues. The girl is unharmed but spends the rest of the series searching for her mother underneath mountains of elasticated nylon.

7. Jeremy Kyle

Plot: A batshit-crazy goon of an individual loses the TV remote and causes the default channel to be ITV2 when there's a Jeremy Kyle marathon on. Many poor souls give up on their lives due to the tragedy, succumbing to the siren's call of sweatpants.

8. Waitrose

Plot: An incompetent shop assistant mixes up Chèvre with Cheddar and panic ensues nationwide.

9. Downing Street

Plot: Doesn't need one.