The #Jonas Experience
Sleep til 12 because...snow day! Note roommate is not home; hope she's not frozen under a snow drift, yet also feel happy because #alldaynopants!
12:30pm: Mentally prep to leave home for 2 parties later. Shower, feel proud actually showered, watch movies on demand while obsessively stalking MTA website - tell self that if there's a risk of getting stuck in Manhattan later, you won't go to parties. Know self well enough to admit you'll probably brave it regardless - there are too many bottles of champagne to chicken out over a little flurry.
2pm: leave home in PJ's and puffy coat for a test run (wine store. Let's be real here). Tell self, "I can do this! It's gonna be awesome! Snow isn't so bad. Who CARES if I get trapped in Manhattan later?! Weeee!!!!" Buy 2 bottles of red and a bottle of port "just in case". Curse all 3 blocks back to apartment because snow IS so bad.
3pm: Discover that Jonas has eviscerated nearly all your Seamless options. Make gluten-free pizza you'd been saving for a bad break-up day. Open first bottle of wine. Sip one glass while continuing to refresh MTA website and text friends about how awesome the parties will be later.
5:30pm: Take off pj's - major progress here! Put on 2 pairs of pants. Readjust 5 times because 2 pairs of pants is 1 too many. Pour half wine bottle into mason jar.
*Trekking to Harlem requires to-go sustenance; if train gets stuck, you have the option of getting too drunk to care.
6pm: Leave home! Mutter more profanities than ever thought possible just walking down front steps.
6:07pm: Walk to train taking twice as long as normal. Drunk people in streets because cars were banned from roads at 2pm. Curse snowy sidewalk and lack of Uber. Step into street - promptly almost hit by minivan sliding across. Yell, "What are you doing outside, asshat?! You're BANNED!!!" Realize you're an idiot for 1)walking in the street in the dark, 2) going outside in a blizzard. Trudge forward, grumbling and cursing each step of the way.
6:10pm: Fall down snow-covered subway steps. Curse every second of it. Forge ahead. Stubbornly wait for G train. Sip mason jar wine and smile slyly at fellow idiots waiting for train.
6:46pm: Still no G train either direction. Note mason jar almost empty. Accept defeat.
6:48pm: Slip up subway steps. Walk down sidewalk to avoid rogue minivans. Slip and fall into 4 ft snow drift. Curse Jonas, snow, MTA, and sidewalks.
6:51pm: Stop in bodega for a treat. BBQ chips, cornichons, and chicken broth. Weird mix of snow day appetite and JuicePlus+ conditioning. Curse that normal treats no longer sound yummy to you, and your emotions need to be FED, damnit!
6:55pm: Home! Take off pants. Resign self to more movies on the couch. Thank God for test run to wine store earlier. Hear neighbors having sex in hallway. Wonder why snow makes people go absolutely nuts. Turn on movie, volume way up. Lead character is named Jonas. Curse it all, pour wine, cuddle with cat, get texts from friends at parties, consider putting pants back on and trying it all over again.
#Snowmageddon #Jonas #SnoMoFoMo
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