One Man’s Attempt To Guess Nail Polish Colors

That one is blue. And that one is also blue. “Blue Too.”

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Waltz? That doesn’t make any sense. First off, waltz is a dance, not a color. And secondly, even if it WERE a color, it would definitely be in the yellow category. Everybody knows that.

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Nope. My linens are not that color. Don’t act like you know me, Essie.

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Giving myself half of a point for that one. I did not know puns were such a big thing here.

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Mmm hmm. I’m starting to notice a trend here…

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I literally have no idea what that means.

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I personally think mine is better, but whatever.

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Note to self and others: Do not drink nail polish.

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That is very specific. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you’re not attending a bachelorette bash, I’m afraid I cannot sell this to you.”

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Damn. I was really confident on that one. “Full Steam Ahead” though? Steam has never been purply. Not even once.

13. Purple Highlighter

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Now how would I ever guess that? Although, strangely enough, I do understand it. If my nails were painted that color, I, too, would feel like the DJ and I were best friends.

14. Midnight Purple

15. Teenage Purple People-Eater

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Damn it! What kind of name is that? Now I’m just getting mad.

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WHAT?! How? How is that “it’s genius”?! That color is maroon and you know it!

17. It’s Brilliant

18. Bronzed Purple

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I think I just found my stripper name.

19. Taylor Swift Red Lipstick

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Yeah, I knew that was wrong.

20. Dark Burnt Orange

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No comment. *punches a hole in the wall*

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*punches a different hole in the wall*
*stares at both*
*punches a third hole in the wall*

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“A shimmering café au lait.” Yep, that’s points for me.

23. University of Tennessee Orange

24. Chicago Bears Orange

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No, I’m pretty sure that’s Chicago Bears orange.

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I don’t know why I go with these simple names. They’re always wrong. That being said, I would have NEVER guessed “very structured.” I am terrible at this.

26. Friday Night Redwood Forest Fire

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Honestly, I’m cool with that.

27. Cemented Poop Water

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LOLOLOLOL. This is my new favorite color. Mink Muffs. Essie, you crazy. LOL.

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Again, that is a very specific name.

29. Light Purply Gray

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Cocktail?! No, no, no. Cocktail needs to be more… champagne-colored or have some sort of swirl. This is far too dull to have “cocktail” in its name.

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VICTORY! I mean, I was basically totally right. 10 points for Gryffindor!

31. Neon Lime Green

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I’m ignoring that name and looking at the description, which means I’m two for two! One more and I’m on a winning streak! Wish me luck, y’all.

32. Nickelodeon Slime *crosses fingers*

Ughhhh. How do you even pronounce that? “Shake your double dollar sign maker?” If it’s “money” why not just say “shake your money maker”? This is frustrating.

33. Really Dark Teal

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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
*flips over Monopoly board*
*kicks through perfectly balanced Jenga structure*
*pulls that little slidey thing on the bottom of a Connect Four grid*
*steals a bunch of Girl Scout cookies*
I HATE THIS GAME!

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IF IT’S AN OPULENT TURQUOISE, JUST CALL IT TURQUOISE! “WHERE’S MY CHAUFFEUR?” IS A QUESTION, NOT THE NAME OF A COLOR!

35. I Do Declare, Mr. Beauregard!

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Man, fuck black licorice and fuck nail polish. I’m done with this.

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