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One Man's Attempt To Guess Nail Polish Colors

That one is blue. And that one is also blue. "Blue Too."

1. White

Real name:

Oh, you fancy, huh?

2. Off-White

Real name:

Waltz? That doesn't make any sense. First off, waltz is a dance, not a color. And secondly, even if it WERE a color, it would definitely be in the yellow category. Everybody knows that.

3. Pinkish Cream

Real name:

Nope. My linens are not that color. Don't act like you know me, Essie.

4. Beige Cream

Real name:


5. Light Pink

Real name:

Giving myself half of a point for that one. I did not know puns were such a big thing here.

6. Pink Glitter

Real name:

Mmm hmm. I'm starting to notice a trend here...

7. Light Pink #2

Real name:

I literally have no idea what that means.

8. Barbie Pink

Real name:

I personally think mine is better, but whatever.

9. Dull Pink

Real name:


10. Neon Pink

Real name:

Note to self and others: Do not drink nail polish.

11. Dark Blush

Real name:

That is very specific. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but if you're not attending a bachelorette bash, I'm afraid I cannot sell this to you."

12. Lilac

Real name:

Damn. I was really confident on that one. "Full Steam Ahead" though? Steam has never been purply. Not even once.

13. Purple Highlighter

Real name:

Now how would I ever guess that? Although, strangely enough, I do understand it. If my nails were painted that color, I, too, would feel like the DJ and I were best friends.

14. Midnight Purple

Real name:

I give up.

15. Teenage Purple People-Eater

Real name:

Damn it! What kind of name is that? Now I'm just getting mad.

16. Maroon

Real name:

WHAT?! How? How is that "it's genius"?! That color is maroon and you know it!

17. It's Brilliant

Real name:

Well, shit...

18. Bronzed Purple

Real name:

I think I just found my stripper name.

19. Taylor Swift Red Lipstick

Real name:

Yeah, I knew that was wrong.

20. Dark Burnt Orange

Real name:

No comment. *punches a hole in the wall*

21. Sixth Avenue

Real name:

*punches a different hole in the wall*

*stares at both*

*punches a third hole in the wall*

22. Light Cocoa

Real name:

"A shimmering café au lait." Yep, that's points for me.

23. University of Tennessee Orange

Real name:

Eh, close enough...

24. Chicago Bears Orange

Real name:

No, I'm pretty sure that's Chicago Bears orange.

25. Mocha

Real name:

I don't know why I go with these simple names. They're always wrong. That being said, I would have NEVER guessed "very structured." I am terrible at this.

26. Friday Night Redwood Forest Fire

Real name:

Honestly, I'm cool with that.

27. Cemented Poop Water

Real name:

LOLOLOLOL. This is my new favorite color. Mink Muffs. Essie, you crazy. LOL.

28. Silver

Real name:

Again, that is a very specific name.

29. Light Purply Gray

Real name:

Cocktail?! No, no, no. Cocktail needs to be more... champagne-colored or have some sort of swirl. This is far too dull to have "cocktail" in its name.

30. Mint Green

Real name:

VICTORY! I mean, I was basically totally right. 10 points for Gryffindor!

31. Neon Lime Green

Real name:

I'm ignoring that name and looking at the description, which means I'm two for two! One more and I'm on a winning streak! Wish me luck, y'all.

32. Nickelodeon Slime *crosses fingers*

Ughhhh. How do you even pronounce that? "Shake your double dollar sign maker?" If it's "money" why not just say "shake your money maker"? This is frustrating.

33. Really Dark Teal

Real name:


*flips over Monopoly board*

*kicks through perfectly balanced Jenga structure*

*pulls that little slidey thing on the bottom of a Connect Four grid*

*steals a bunch of Girl Scout cookies*


34. Turquoise

Real name:


35. I Do Declare, Mr. Beauregard!

Real name:

Yeah, whatever.

36. Black

Real name:

Man, fuck black licorice and fuck nail polish. I'm done with this.