Last week, AriZona Iced Tea announced that Shaquille O’Neal’s line of cream soda was available for purchase.
Because I am the youngest person in my department, my co-workers made me drink them.
Note: I hate cream soda and drank all of these in one afternoon. Enjoy!
4. Blueberry Shaquille O’Neal-Brand Cream Soda
Pre-Drink Thoughts: I decided to start off with the blueberry one because blueberries are wonderful. I like ‘em in my pancakes, in a muffin, and amongst other fruit. Plus, this flavor was initially sold out at my local 7-Eleven, so it has to be at least somewhat decent.
First Sip: Well, it does have a blueberry flavor to it. It doesn’t taste like blueberries, but if this were a blindfold taste test, I would ace it. I’d be all, “Blueberry, no doubt.” And the dude would be like, “Nailed it.”
Mid-Drink Thoughts: It’s not bad, but it’s definitely not a beverage I would purchase. Or drink, for that matter. The artificial flavoring is really starting to annoy me. What’s actually in this? “Contains 1% Juice.” Ugh.
Final Thoughts: If this is the best one of the bunch (which I think it is), I’m in big trouble.
5. Vanilla Shaquille O’Neal-Brand Cream Soda
Pre-Drink Thoughts: The smell of vanilla is one of my favorite scents. I also like a touch of vanilla in food that requires a touch of vanilla. With that being said, I’m not really sure what to expect with this one. I think it’d taste like the vanilla Chapstick I once bought. I didn’t eat that Chapstick, but it was one of those things that you just know how it would taste, you know?
First Sip: Doesn’t have much flavor, but the flavor that’s there is quite sweet. It kind of tastes like a watered-down vanilla lollipop.
Mid-Drink Thoughts: Already sick of it. It tastes exactly like Vanilla Coke, but without the Coke. I know, I can’t believe the Food Network hasn’t hired me either. Also, this is the never-ending can.
Final Thoughts: 23.5 fluid ounces is about 20 ounces too much for this particular flavor.
6. Strawberry Shaquille O’Neal-Brand Cream Soda
Pre-Drink Thoughts: I have a feeling like this will taste similar to the LifeSavers Strawberry Creme Savers. And that wouldn’t be too bad because I used to love those hard candies in high school. Fingers crossed, y’all.
First Sip: Best first sip so far. Strong flavor, especially compared to the mild vanilla can. This might not be too bad…
Mid-Drink Thoughts: How much cream soda is too much cream soda? Because my kidneys are telling me it’s two and a half cans.
Final Thoughts: At first, the taste was actually really nice, but like the vanilla one, I just became sick of it. It’s almost exactly like sucking on an entire bag of those Creme Savers. I feel like I should also mention that I have a headache and no longer want to do this.
7. Orange Shaquille O’Neal-Brand Cream Soda
Pre-Drink Thoughts: I’m so happy this is the last one. This stopped being fun midway through the second can. Unfortunately, I just know this one is going to taste like a creamsicle and that sucks because creamsicles are my least favorite item from an ice cream truck.
First Sip: Oh, fuck me, this is bad. This is so bad. Jesus. There’s just… so much cream. Why does it taste like this? And why won’t that shitty orange aftertaste go away? This flavor is stupid and gross and everything about it is wrong.
Mid-Drink Thoughts: Go fuck yourself, Shaq. I hate you. I hate you.
Final Thoughts: That was rough, and I don’t believe I overreacted at all in telling Shaq to go fuck himself. I’m so glad nothing else in the world tastes like this.
Closing Thoughts: Cream soda is the worst of all sodas (except for grape drink), and if anyone eats a creamsicle in front of me, I will punch them and then throw up. Honestly though, the real problem with Soda Shaq is that there is just too much of it, especially when you drink four at a time. I know Shaquille O’Neal is a bigger-than-life kind of guy, but I was so sick of tasting each flavor by the halfway point that I just wanted to pour it out. Something this fake and sweet should be consumed in moderation. And anything that tastes like the orange kind should be thrown into space.
Blueberry Cream Soda: 6/10
Vanilla Cream Soda: 3/10
Strawberry Cream Soda: 4/10
Orange Cream Soda: 2/7000