28 Signs You’re A Pro Wrestling Fan

It’s derided as a cultural skidmark, a lowbrow circus of steroid freaks in their undies pretending to hit each other. And yet, it has sustained as a viable attraction for over 100 years, bringing in enormous crowds and pay-per-view buyrates. It’s a mad and wacky world, and here’s a few signs you might be one of us.

1. When someone says “WWF,” you jump to correct them.

And you’re sad that you even have to.

2. You’ve grown tired of explaining to people how it’s NOT FAKE. (It’s predetermined.)

And even more tired of their ass-backwards explanation of how things ‘really work.’ “You see, that table is made of reconstructed styrofoam, and they play the sound of wood breaking over the PA system at just the right time. Also, that concrete floor is actually just a trampoline made to look like concrete. And he’s wearing a body brace. And I’m an idiot.”

3. You have a love/hate relationship with WWE. You hate what it’s become, but would give anything for it to be what it once was.

Ahhhhhhh nostalgia…

4. You’ve become desensitized to seeing men of all shapes and sizes in ill-fitting spandex.

Not to mention the shaved armpits.

5. You’ll always think of The Rock as a wrestler first, who occasionally makes a movie or two on the side.

Like that little gap between 2004 and 2012. I think that was three movies, actually.

6. You have CDs of wrestler entrance themes that you’d prefer no one knew about.

(But Jim Johnston is still the man.)

7. You had early geography lessons via wrestler bios.

8. You’ve read one or two or six of these.

9. You’re ready to chant “E-C-W!” at a moment’s notice.

10. When feeling cynical, you consider finally doing a full heel turn.

11. You look at folding chairs differently than most people.

And trash cans.

12. You’ve tried four beers at once, Stone Cold style.

13. And ripping apart your shirt, Hulk Hogan style.

14. And taking off your towel Val Venis style.

Maybe that was just me.

15. If put in an amateur strip contest, you’d just do a bad Shawn Michaels imitation.

Admit it.

16. Every time you have something important to say, you’d feel more comfortable holding a microphone.

17. You have one or two of these that are still pretty special.

Via Various wrestling merchandise sites

And musty.

18. You’ve seen more TV weddings than most soap opera fans.

‘Scuse me while I get my hankie.

19. Every time you shave, you think “yeah, I could do a blade job. No problem.”

Then you get nicked.

20. You have a potentially-dangerous urge to jump off ladders.

Isn’t that what they’re for?

21. You’re inadvertently trained the secret code language of the business.

In other words, you know that the reason the heel potato’d the face during the finish last night was because the face was green and sandbagging, no-selling like a jabroni; now he knows that if he tries to get out of doing the job and dropping the strap, he’ll get busted open the hard way.

22. You’re also fluent in Steiner-ese.

Heh.

23. Any debate over who the strongest man in the world is has to include Brock Lesnar, Bill Goldberg or Mark Henry.

Otherwise it is invalid.

24. You consider yourself a Monday Night Wars buff.

25. You know more about the Montreal Screwjob than the Kennedy Assassination.

Everyone knows Kennedy screwed Kennedy.

26. You think everything is a work. EVERYTHING.

Seriously, when is Kaufman going to show up and finish the angle already?

27. You remember where you were when you heard about Owen, and Eddie, and countless others.

RIP.

28. Maybe you still watch. Maybe you don’t. But a big part of your childhood remains in front of that TV screen, respecting the hell out of the men and women who put their bodies on the line.

Making you think superheroes exist…

That you can get even with your boss…

That boyhood dreams really do come true…

And that this guy was once really, really cool.

It’s still real to you, dammit.

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