In recent years, many old-school wedding traditions have been criticized as sexist. Customs surrounding the father of the bride, such as walking his daughter down the aisle and handing her to her new husband, have especially come under fire.
Well, I recently stumbled across this post in the "Am I the Asshole" subreddit where a man asked his girlfriend's father for his blessing, and it blew up in the guy's face. Here's the full story:
BTW, if you've never heard of it, r/AmItheAsshole is a place where people can ask folks on the internet to weigh in on if they're being an asshole or not in certain situations.
"Okay, first of all, sorry for any mistakes — English is a second language, and I'm still processing what just happened. So, I've (26M) been dating my girlfriend (22F) for a bit more than a year. She's the perfect girl for me: She's hot, caring, and smart, and we both love each other very much. I've been thinking about proposing for a while; my girlfriend is almost done with school, and I have a good job with a lot of savings."
"Since we're visiting her hometown for the week, I thought this would be a good moment to ask her father for his blessing. I've only met with her family a couple of times, since they live in another city, but they never seemed to have a problem with me. Her father is pretty easygoing, so while we don't have much in common, I wasn't really scared of his reaction, only a bit nervous."
"This afternoon, while my GF was out with old friends, I sat down with him and asked him if I could have his blessing to marry his daughter. He looked really awkward and confused, and he asked me a couple of times if I was being serious. I explained that I was, that I loved his daughter very much and would make sure she never needs anything. He said something along the lines of: 'Woah, I don't know what to say. I was not expecting that.' We were silent for a bit, and he left the room. I was disappointed to say the least, but still had hopes to convince him."
"My girlfriend came back soon after and received a phone call from her mother, who told her I asked GF's dad for his blessing. My girlfriend was really angry at me for asking her dad instead of her, and said that doing so is sexist (which is stupid because the point was to ask her dad to propose, not to marry her by force). She said she was absolutely not ready for marriage, wasn't even considering it because she thought it was way too early in our relationship (after more than a year?). She said she felt humiliated in front of her parents, and now, she's left to sleep at her mother's tonight, leaving me alone with her father, who's been avoiding me since our conversation."
"I don't understand what happened. I'm really hurt by her reaction and the way she viewed the possibility of marrying me as completely absurd. I'm really angry and confused at her parents for telling her about my plans instead of letting me propose how I intended," he concluded.
As you might imagine, there were tons of responses for this one!
In case you're not familiar, people usually respond with one of four options: YTA (you're the A-hole), NTA (not the A-hole), ESH (everyone sucks here), or NAH (no A-hole here).
Most people thought this guy was the A-hole and that asking for his GF's dad's blessing was sexist:
"The tradition of getting a father's blessing is because women were considered property of their fathers until they got married, and then they became their husbands' property. So, the future husband had to get his potential wife's owner's permission first. This is a sexist and outdated tradition. If you didn't know your girlfriend would be offended by this or where she stands on marriage, you don't know her well enough to propose yet. YTA."
"Asking the father if you can propose is old-fashioned, and many women (myself included) view it as sexist. It implies that she can’t make the whole decision herself and needs daddy’s permission to get married. If my husband had asked my dad, my dad would’ve laughed (because I was a grown woman who knew her own mind, and he had no place giving or denying permission), and I would have been pissed. YTA for asking her father."
"Well, yeah, YTA. It's definitely sexist to include her father in this decision when you're not marrying him. It sends a message that she isn't allowed to be in control of her own relationship unless the men in her life have discussed the matter first."
And many disapproved of the way OP spoke about his GF's reaction:
"YTA for all the reasons already stated. But also, even in this post, you called your girlfriend’s concerns over sexism 'stupid.' That’s how you talk about the woman you want to marry?!"
"You’re calling her opinion 'stupid,' and you wonder why she isn’t jumping at marriage? Who died and made you the judge of opinions?"
But others thought OP was not the A-hole:
"NTA if this is a thing that people do in your culture. Though it may have been better to see if she would accept the proposal first. As a side note, people change a lot in their 20s. Sure, they may fundamentally hold many of the same values, but other parts of them may change a lot. Especially priorities in day-to-day life. You can either grow with those changes, or you could end up in a situation where you grow apart. Unless you’re very religious or planning on having kids right away, marriage can wait a while."
"NTA. I expect my daughters' BFs or GFs to talk to me before proposing (as a single mom). Especially if they are still young as I am their main source of emotional support and guidance, and marriage is a lifelong commitment.
It may have been ill-timed, as it seems you haven't really felt out the situation with her yet, and she's only 22. You are being called out here because you expected her dad to have an answer when he can't answer without knowing what SHE'D want him to say. It's not something she'd ever talked to him about because you didn't talk to her about marriage. For future proposals, find out ahead of time if the girlfriend would want you to ask her dad."
And some insisted that asking for the father's blessing doesn't make you a misogynist:
"As someone who disagrees with the whole 'asking dad for permission' thing because it is a weird, patriarchal holdover, saying that someone who does that is a misogynist is ridiculous. It’s a well-recognized tradition that many people still do nowadays, and just having the conversation doesn’t make you a virulent woman-hater. I think it would be better if you have the conversation with both parents to be honest (why exclude mum?), but it’s still kind of 'normal' for a potential groom to ask the dad, and who knows? Some dads might expect that."
"The only thing OP did wrong was to ask the parents before even discussing it with his GF. The fact that OP didn't know his GF's feelings on the matter proves that he really needs to improve his communication skills. But that's his only mistake. He INTENDED to do the right thing; he just didn't know what the right thing was. He wasn't trying to 'claim ownership' like some others are insinuating. Fifteen years ago, asking the dad would have been expected."
"NTA. Asking for the father's blessing, A BLESSING, to see if they even approve is not misogynistic. This is a cultural thing that many, many men do. The parents are assholes for telling the daughter, and the daughter is an asshole for acting like what he did was wrong."
I have a lot of thoughts about this one! While I personally wouldn't want a BF to ask for my father's blessing because of the historical context, I understand that everyone's different, and maybe OP is from a culture where that's the norm. However, I think it's wild that he never had a convo with his GF to make sure they're on the same page! And in my opinion, the biggest AH move here is his response to her reaction — he doesn't seem to be trying to understand her perspective at all. He just calls it "stupid," and that's a HUGE red flag to me. But now I'm curious: What do you think about all this? Is OP the A-hole? Does everyone suck? LMK your opinion in the comments below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.