1. He does not mince words.
Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you've been fucked to death by a thousand pillows.
2. He does not make rash decisions.
3. He does not tolerate your bullshit, guy in 2B.
The guy sitting next to me on the plane placed a tiny chocolate on his tray table. He waited like, 7 hours to eat it. Enjoy hell, fuck-face.
4. He is a caring and gentle father.
The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.
More like DADpool, amiright?
5. He's so protective of his kids.
6. Like, so protective.
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
7. They're super protective of him too.
My daughter gets so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.
8. He's not one of those trolling dad-jokers.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
9. He constantly thinks he's dying, just like the rest of us.
I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds.
10. He's a fantastic English tutor. And anatomy tutor.
11. He tells it like it is.
Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn't until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
12. He has dating advice for days.
13. And really good ideas.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
14. He can always brighten your day.
When checking out of a hotel, it's fun to say: "The fire resistant carpet deserves some sort of Fire Resistant Carpet Award!"
(Unless you work at a hotel with fire-resistant carpet.)
15. He goes up against the big dogs...and wins.
The best thing about finishing a 105 ounce slurpee from 7 Eleven is the look on Satan's face.
16. He's a stickler for canon.
17. Yeah. Been there, man.
I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.
18. Plus, he's a medical miracle.
19. And of course:
Happy Birthday to my amazing wife.