1.
*item doesn’t scan* Customer: That means it’s free right? Me:
2.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?” you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
3.
An 89 degree angle talking to a 90 degree angle:
4.
Michelle’s response to if Beyoncé has any new music coming out is me whenever someone asks me who my friends are dating lol
5.
Co-worker at new job: You use social media? Me:
6.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this? Me: It be like that sometimes Therapist: No
7.
Me accidentally clicking the videos with the sex noises at home
8.
Me when i get drunk and try to fight off the urge to tell my friends i love and appreciate them
9.
Lol shameless and unemployed people living their best life 😩😭 https://t.co/NmDcqa3D43
10.
Telling a woman to calm down*
11.
disney when they were casting for ariel
12.
Twitter: “She doesn’t deserve 2 years for licking Ice Cream...” Blue Bell:
13.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior, Godzilla???
14.
my dog: *has unlimited food, water, shelter & love *front door opens* my dog: https://t.co/jMfscBySMe
15.
Blocking negative vibes all Summer ‘19 😂
16.
british people be having sex like: mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
17.
✨fresh set 💅🏻✨
18.
swapping disney protagonist faces with their antagonist: a thread
19.
At this point myself https://t.co/eTTXNN2skA
20.
Him: Don’t start yo shit Me:
21.
me trying to shoot my shot vs me telling my friends to shoot their shot https://t.co/NLDBeLi8qZ
22.
the aliens at area 51 asking the scientists if they can try fettuccini alfredo