So The Sea Lamprey Has Ruined Your Life

Upon reading about the sea lamprey discovered in New Jersey, my first thought was “My life is ruined. I can’t go on knowing this creature exists.” While this should have been an opportunity to embrace my inner Agent Scully, clearly despair comes to me more naturally than badassery. So in an effort to promote healing, please allow these cats to take us through the 5 stages of grief.

2. Denial

Though it may be temporarily comforting, imagining a kitten face over the demonic mouth of the sea lamprey is ultimately a form of denial that only serves to hinder healing. Plus, a kitten-lamprey is some H. P. Lovecraft nonsense that I don’t want any part of either.

3. Anger

The urge to act out your anger and frustration on your peers is strong now but you must resist. It’s not their fault that constant internet-ing brought this descendent of Cthulhu to your attention.

4. Bargaining

The damage is done and unless Zeus or Doc Brown start returning my calls, there is no way to unsee what has been seen.

5. Depression

What is the point of anything? Every time I close my eyes, I see that gremlin smile. I’ll have to swear off sushi and The Little Mermaid forever :( This is the worst.

6. Acceptance

You know what, baby Scyllas deserve a place in this world too. Who am I to deny them? We can peacefully coexist, as long as I stick to my concrete jungle and they stick to their sea dungeons. Crisis averted!

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