A Safe House: Notes From A Feminist Sorority Alumna
"As much as I hate a moral to a story, I can only say this: stereotypes of sororities are more dangerous to womanhood than sororities themselves."
There’s a common phrase we use to describe sorority life: “From the outside looking in, you don’t understand it. From the inside out, you can’t explain it.” I always thought that this quote was really about death, but it does illustrate an interesting idea about sororities: the bond between sisters is mysterious and, like death itself, will remain that way until the end.
They say a sorority will make you more attractive, that it will help you find balance with those around you and keep the conversation going. It will build trust and make you feel good. It will give you a happier life, though we now know that it might shorten it. On May 23rd, a 22-year-old man named Elliot Rodger planned on entering the house of UCSB’s Alpha Phi sorority, the “hottest girls on campus,” and shooting everyone.
“I’ve sat outside it in my car to stalk them many times,” he wrote in his manifesto. “Alpha Phi sorority is full of hot, beautiful blonde girls; the kind of girls I’ve always desired but was never able to have because they all look down on me. They are all spoiled, heartless, wicked bitches.”
He knocked loudly on their door. They decided not to answer. So, he left their doorstep and shot three Tri Delta sisters who were standing on the lawn. Two died. The third noticed that Elliot flashed a large smile at her before firing. She managed to get her mother on the phone.
“Ive been shot,” she said. “I don’t know what happened. It’s crazy. But I love you. I love you so much...I’m afraid I’m going to die.”
She lived, and the story grew. Another shooting, another angry young man. Though the press extensively covered the event, no one addressed the affiliation of the young women who were murdered. The ones who died were sorority members. The ones who survived were sorority members. Maybe, to many, it just made sense.
As I said before, sororities celebrate the mystery –– and love –– that binds women. You choose a sorority not because you feel like you are “one of them” but because you feel like you can explore this bond together. I joined my sorority because I wanted to bind myself to other young women and jump into an existential, extracurricular world where I could love someone without justification. When you decide you want to be in a sorority, you willingly abandon your biases and trust that you will make a meaningful, inexplicable connection with other young women. When you choose which sorority you want to be in, you chose the people with whom you want to abandon your prejudices and break down the walls that surround you. Many college age women, having moved out of their parents’ homes, search for a new form of unconditional love and sororities seek to fill this gap; though it often proves unsuccessful, the idea is remarkable: that womanhood is a bond no man can break. When Elliot wrote his terrifying manifesto against women, he was really angered by the selfless connections women make with each other.
I don’t mean to proselytize sororities. Some sorority chapters are racist and others haze. Some are unsuccessful and some are unkind. They vary as humans vary. They are certainly not for everyone: they are not for the best or the worst. Sororities are experiments. Sororities pick up where mothers leave off. Sororities still believe that there is always the possibility of love. As much as I hate a moral to a story, I can only say this: stereotypes of sororities are more dangerous to womanhood than sororities themselves.
Many people, regardless of their genders, hate sororities because of the same misguided prejudices that make men hate women. Let’s use Elliot Rodger’s words: Spoiled. Heartless. Wicked. Bitches. Words like these, which are used to degrade women, are also used to describe sorority women (and are often deemed “OK,” though in any other circumstance they would be considered hateful). I’m not saying that everyone must respect and love sororities. However, the rhetoric some unaffiliated people use against women in sororities is incredibly dangerous to womanhood itself. Sororities have always been at the top of the feminist shit list and I will be the first to admit that some deserve to be there. But these women are the exception and not the rule. The perpetuation of anti-sorority hate speech IS the perpetuation of misogyny; same words, same hurt.
This recruitment season, I urge you to clear your slate and get to know sorority women for who they really are. If you dislike them, that’s fine, but I urge you to use words that are not hateful towards any type of woman. Sorority women smile for their sisters, not for men, though Elliot seemed to think differently. “The power that beautiful women have is unbelievable,” he wrote. “They can temporarily turn a desperate boy’s whole world around just by smiling.”
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