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Which Minoan Palace Are You?

γνῶθι σεαυτόν, y'all. But can you really know yourself without knowing which Minoan palace best represents your *true* personality?

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  1. What do you think a lustral basin is?

    Sexy bathtime
    Via Duane Bryers
    Sexy bathtime
    Via Duane Bryers
    Ritual sexy bathtime
    Ritual sexy bathtime
    Sewage tank
    Via AP Photo/Victor R. Caivano
    Sewage tank
    Via AP Photo/Victor R. Caivano
    Baby bull swimming pool
    Via dailymail.co.uk
    Baby bull swimming pool
    Betyl washing station
    Betyl washing station
  2. What would appear in your window of appearances?

    Yourself. Pretending to walk down stairs.
    Yourself. Pretending to walk down stairs.
    Colin Firth
    Colin Firth
    BOOBS.
    BOOBS.
    Baby goats in onesies.
    Baby goats in onesies.
    Macy's Christmas window display
    Macy's Christmas window display
  3. What do you use your Horns of Consecration for?

    lakodaemon.co.uk
    Fancy chair
    Fancy chair
    Feather boa display
    Feather boa display
    Sling shot
    Sling shot
    Oversized souvlaki skewers
    Oversized souvlaki skewers
    Hat rack
    Hat rack
  4. Which dance do you do down your West Courtyard?

    Electric Slide
    Electric Slide
    One rootin' n tootin' do-si-do
    One rootin' n tootin' do-si-do
    A sloppy Charleston
    A sloppy Charleston
    Interpretive dance to an 80s power ballad
    Interpretive dance to an 80s power ballad
    The Nae Nae
    Via cnn.com
    The Nae Nae
    Via cnn.com
  5. What do you keep in your kouloures?

    Evans 1930
    Ham
    Ham
    Beanie baby collection
    Beanie baby collection
    Granny's knick-knacks
    Granny's knick-knacks
    Communal spittoon
    Communal spittoon
    Mismatched socks
    Mismatched socks
  6. What caused the Protopalatial destruction?

    Gypsum went out of style.
    Gypsum went out of style.
    2000 tons of storage ham spontaneously combusted.
    Via abc.net.au
    2000 tons of storage ham spontaneously combusted.
    Time traveling Herulians
    Time traveling Herulians
    Bulls got loose, enslaved Minoans.
    Via Yago Partal
    Bulls got loose, enslaved Minoans.
    Via Yago Partal
  7. How will future archaeologists misinterpret your palatial remains?

    Mistake your upper story bathroom ventilation shaft as a
    Mistake your upper story bathroom ventilation shaft as a "light well"
    Believe that your child's wall drawings are fancy frescoes
    Believe that your child's wall drawings are fancy frescoes
    Mistake your Betty Page fetish doll for a
    Mistake your Betty Page fetish doll for a "snake goddess" figurine
    Suggest that your bitchass crib is some community center
    Via Ashleigh Fata
    Suggest that your bitchass crib is some community center
    Via Ashleigh Fata
    Misidentify your sweet pogs collection as decorated seals
    Misidentify your sweet pogs collection as decorated seals

Which Minoan Palace Are You?

You got: Knossos

You think you're a big deal because you've got more gypsum than a gypsy and all those fancy reconstructed columns-- but everyone knows that you'd be just another Minoan palace without Sir Arthur Evans and his illegal concrete. Royal road? More like royal mess!

Knossos
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You got: Malia

Hot shit in the Protopalatial, but you peaked early-- couldn't cut it in the fast paced, high stakes Neopalatial world. A lonely burn out, you cling to your outdated rock crystal pommel sword and refuse to rebuild your Northwest corner... like a college freshman still wearing his high school letterman. (P.S. what's with the rock sphere in your courtyard? We're so over it.)

Malia
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You got: Phaistos

Lying along the Libyan Sea, you're the Southern Belle of Minoan palaces! Prim, well-dressed, and never without a sweet tea or gin gimlet to offer your guests at the bull-leaping party. You're proud of who you are and eager to let you're Neopalatial colors fly! ...And rumor has it that you're a lady in the paved flagstone streets, but a *snake goddess* between the sheets.

Phaistos
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You got: Zakros

You're Zakros, and you need to get your shit together. What happened to your Middle Minoan III phase? Why do you need all that ritual repository space? How many lustral basins does one palace need? Please. Calm your horns, or they'll never get consecrated!

Zakros
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You got: Gournia

You're Gournia... but who are you *really*? Are you even a palace?? The most angsty of the Minoan settlements, for all your extensive excavations, you're just not sure about yourself in this big, wide MMIII-LMIB world. Worried about whether your central courtyard will ever develop, sometimes you wish this whole Neopalatial period would just end already.

Gournia
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