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    Why I Want To Be Nicki Minaj's Ass

    Basically, how the "Anaconda" video changed my life.

    Like many a gay, I woke up this morning very excited to see Nicki Minaj's new music video, "Anaconda."

    And to be totally real with you, I was fairly slayed. For a song that is pretty whatever and mediocre, this video is rilly good.

    BUTT, to be completely honest, the biggest feeling I felt while watching this video was extreme ass envy.

    I want to be Nicki Minaj's ass.

    I want to be in the jungle on some sort of raft gyrating on the ground.

    I want to flow out of jean jorts thumping on the ground in an actual flattering manner.

    I want to be in a white room on a metallic chair with my cheeks to the sky.

    I want to maintain flawless form with 2-pound weights.

    And I've never told anyone this, but I secretly think it would be so fun to wear a pink G-string doing sexy half-naked yoga...

    ...BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE. I AM BORAT.

    And if I were Nicki Minaj's ass then I would be on Drake's D.

    Drake would be lit'rally holding his mouth while looking at me.

    And I would leave Drake sitting there with a big ole b*!

    Mostly, I want to be Nicki Minaj's ass because it's actually hypnotizing...

    ...and by hypnotizing, I mean dickmotizing.

    If I were Nicki Minaj's ass, I would literally own all the dicks.

    I would be winning the game (well, not iTunes).

    Slaying your faves (not on iTunes).

    And, bold statement, attached to rap's current most important MC!!!

    Bye!