This Is Why Miley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was A Failure
What Miley Cyrus was trying to do at the VMAs vs. what Miley Cyrus actually did. A case study.
Miley Cyrus. The VMAs. Brooklyn. 2013. This is the year Miley is showing the world that she's a ~grown woman~. Sound familiar...?
Kevin Mazur / WireImage for MTV / Getty Images
Of course it does. Clearly, Miley's inspiration for the night was none other than the queen of the VMAs herself, pop music extraordinaire and everyday legend: Miss Britney Spears.
Getty Images/ Hulton Archive/ Nick Elgar
The following is a case study of what Miley was going for vs. what actually happened.
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Appear mysteriously. Britney achieved this with dramatic music and a giant spider-looking thing that turned around to reveal her literal "not so innocent" self.
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Miley came out of a monkey's chest.
Theo Wargo / WireImage / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: She was trying to have her "I'm a grown woman!" moment. Britney achieved this with a sexy and sparkly striptease. She also wore a fedora and one of those cordless pop music microphones.
Kevin Mazur / WireImage
OMG! So cutting edge.
Dave Hogan / Getty Images
THAT THONG. So unexpected.
Dave Hogan / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: She danced around with a bunch of oversized stuffed animals and unenthused pink bears.
Rick Diamond / Getty Images
She fist-pumped and screamed.
Neilson Barnard / Getty Images
And had a stuffed animal rub her back.
Andrew H. Walker / WireImage / Getty Images
Then her clothes came off and she took out a large finger with a big red nail.
Rick Diamond / Getty Images
Hmmmm.
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Get into the zone and really have a moment with herself. Britney achieved this by dancing her ass off. She also had crimped hair.
Kevin Mazur / WireImage
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Scream with an oversized finger with a big red nail.
Kevin Mazur / WireImage for MTV / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Stripper chic.
Dave Hogan / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Rub a finger that had a huge red nail in her crotch.
Neilson Barnard / Getty Images
And she stuck her tongue out a lot.
Theo Wargo / WireImage / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Make sexy, sophisticated, yet raunchy faces.
Getty Images/ Frank Micelotta
Britney achieved this because she's a flawless and iconic human being.
Getty Images/ Frank Micelotta
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Point a large fake finger at Robin Thicke.
Theo Wargo / WireImage / Getty Images
The fake finger was also used as a faux penis.
Rick Diamond / Getty Images
WHAT MILEY CYRUS WAS TRYING TO DO: Steal the show.
Getty Images/ Hulton Archive/ Frank Micelotta
WHAT MILEY CYRUS ACTUALLY DID: Make pink bears sad.
Rick Diamond / Getty Images
See:
Getty Images/ Rick Diamond
Basically, I think you get the point. This is how you do a coming-of-age performance:
Getty Images/ Frank Micelotta
And this is how you don't:
The Associated Press / AP
DO NOT TRY TO BE THE QUEEN.
Getty Images/ Hulton Archive/ Scott Gries
It will only end in disappointment and failure.
Getty Images/ Hulton Archive/ Scott Gries