Everyone is talking about the new Unsolved Mysteries reboot on Netflix, which is really good! But I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone about how scary and fucked up the original was.
First, the theme song. Press play. It's the soundtrack to your imminent disappearance/haunting/hidden treasure finding and/or secret twin discovery.
The original theme song will catch you off guard, it will suck you in, it will wreck you.
Each episode started with the man of my nightmares, Robert Stack, appearing seemingly out of nowhere: A hospital room, an unassuming nook, or a generic foggy mist.
He speaks. It's a voice you'll never forget.
The thing about the original Unsolved Mysteries was that Robert Stack made you believe that every single mystery was going to happen to you.
Your house is definitely on a sacred burial ground you never knew about.
At some point in your life, you will be abducted by aliens.
Your living room will be taken over by a bunch of Civil War–era ghosts.
Hi, from the La-Z-Boy.
Hi, from your bed.
Hi, standing there with a jug.
One day you'll just be sitting in your living room and a strange mist will pop a squat next to you.
When you look at the window, there will be an alien just kind of standing there.
The next time you check your mail, a note in ALL CAPS hidden code will be waiting for you.
Digging a hole? Just stop. You'll find a steel beam with mysterious "hieroglyphic symbols" that are not of "earthly origin."
And surprise! You definitely have a long lost twin out there your parents never told you about.
You may even be a "twinless twin," go figure!
Unsolved Mysteries made you believe this man was hiding in your garage.
In the back seat of your car.
Under your bed.
Behind you.
Unsolved Mysteries taught you to never go hiking. Bigfoot is real.
Never buy something at a garage sale. It's haunted.
Honestly, just never leave your house. "Medusa Bandit" will be there to rob you.
And now let's talk about the witnesses.
This is Debby. She's your neighbor. She will hear your screams.
"Sharon Johnson" will be a witness to your death.
Dorothy, a psychic, will tell cops where your body is. She will ALWAYS be wrong.
And if you're lucky, Robert Stack will come back on by the end of the episode with an update.
The update will say that your case was solved.
But sorry, the killer has since been released.
Robert Stack ends each episode, usually from some generic office or wet parking lot, and asks you to join him next time, where this fuckery will all be repeated.
"Perhaps you may be able to help solve a mystery."
