Skip To Content

    We Need To Talk About Maluma's Gratuitous Thirst Traps

    The ultimate collection.

    Brothers, sisters, and admirers of the male form, gather around, light a candle, put on some Sade, and hold hands: A gay miracle has happened today!

    I was strolling my Twitter feed through gay memes, gay drama, and gay thirst traps when one in particular caught my attention.

    It was this:

    That picture sent me into full gay panic mode, meaning I sent the picture to a private chat FULL of gays. Everyone was like, "MATT, YOU KNOW MALUMA SETS THIRST TRAPS ON THE DAILY?!"

    Now, I have heard of Maluma before, I know he's a massively successful Colombian singer and also extremely hot.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    But I didn't quite know the magnitude of his thirst traps.

    I spiraled. For the next three hours, I scoured the internet looking at shirtless pictures of Maluma, carefully selecting the absolute best ones for my people, the people who thirst.

    It was hard work, but I did it for YOU.

    I did it because Maluma would have wanted it.

    I did it for animal rights.

    But mostly I did it for gratuitous bathroom selfies because holy shit the man can take them.

    Shirtless mirror selfie...

    ... after shirtless mirror selfie.

    It's like he spends an hour every day taking thirsty mirror selfies.

    For Maluma, random hotel bathrooms are *really* where the magic happens.

    I'm telling you, there's at least a different sink or two in Maluma's Snapchat every day.

    I digress...

    When he's not in front of the bathroom mirror, he can be found taking thirsty-ass pics in front of a gym mirror.

    I feel sticky (in a good way) looking at this one.

    Tasty!

    But in all seriousness...

    Maluma is cool because he is always treating fans to his body. In a vapid world filled with fakes it's nice knowing that Maluma is real. Bodies are beautiful machines and Maluma is taking us for ride with his.

    The man knows what his fans want. He's generou$!

    Whether it's early morning...

    ... or late at night.

    You can always depend on Maluma to set you off with one of his thirsty mirror selfies.

    Here's just a snap of his nipple! The man knows his audience!

    Here's a picture with a ton of filters and at a weird angle which for a normal person would annoy me but it's Maluma so I kinda like it.

    Here's one in a yellow tube:

    This one is nice because it is artsy and tanlines:

    This one is nice because it reminds me of the ocean and the ocean is nice because of 1/2 naked men and Maluma.

    This one is neat because his face is exuding a lot of emotion. He should really try acting.

    And this one is nice because sweaty abs.

    Play me a song, tweedle yer dee, I have nothing left to say here.

    Thank you for going on that journey with me the end.