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    Posted on Jul 28, 2017

    Dear USA, Justin Bieber Is About To Destroy A Musical Legacy And It Must Be Stopped

    Sound the alarms!

    Gays, people who like gay things, human beings, mean dogs, not-so-nice cats, ghosts that aren't too scary, people who like to protest, and witches with good, workable spells: WE ARE IN THE MIDST OF NATIONAL CRISIS.

    Mariah Carey's record for most weeks at no. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 is in jeopardy and everything is fucking terrible.

    Tolikoffphotography / Getty Images

    For those who don't know, Mariah Carey holds the record for most weeks at no. one. For 16 weeks in 1995/1996, "One Sweet Day" was reigning supreme. It was honestly a great time to be alive, something kids today could never understand.

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    Now, nearly 20 years later, a song called "Despacito" is threatening it's legacy. "Despacito" has been number one for 11 weeks. It only needs five more to beat Mariah's record.

    That's too damn close for me, comrades. This is like history repeating itself all over again. It's getting exhausting because...

    FIRST, they said "Closer" could beat Mariah's record and I was like no, Mariah is better.

    Then, "Shape Of You" came roaring into the picture and I was like seriously stop. This isn't fun anymore.

    Now, "Despacito" is getting closer and I am like I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HER.

    Repeat after me: This is NOT ok.

    America, we as a nation have based our identity on "One Sweet Day" being our longest running no. 1 for over 20 years now!

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    We literally are who we are because "One Sweet Day" was no. 1 for that many weeks!

    Xtockimages / Getty Images

    George Washington is on life support over this!

    Kentannenbaum / Getty Images

    This is really no "joke." There are some real consequences for "Despacito" breaking Mariah's record.

    This person it threatening to vote Republican.

    This person will break their phone (which is expensive).

    And this person will lose hope in their passion of music. It's quite sad.

    People are literally wishing that Taylor Swift will release a new single because she is the only hope. THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED BEHAVIOR.

    So, what can we do? Well, really just pray. I'm asking for your prayers and thoughts at this trying time. If we can put enough good vibes into the atmosphere we can make this happen.

    Pixelheadphoto / Getty Images

    But ultimately, this all comes down to not letting straight people win. We can't let them win!


    Final thoughts: Mariah is a legend and "One Sweet Day" is better.

    The end.

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