45 Essential Tips For Your Next Anti-Gay Marriage Rally

NOM (National Organization For Marriage) held their own rally against gay marriage at the Supreme Court yesterday. Here’s everything that I learned.

45. Spell-check!

44. Make sure someone has an “Adam & Eve: Not Adam & Steve” sign.

It’s a MUST.

43. Actually, make sure you have MANY “Adam & Steve” signs.

42. Also, be sure to speak up against the gay curriculum!

Check out the bonus “Adam & Steve” sign in the background.

41. Pin signs to your children.

40. Try to get on the VIP list.

Because who doesn’t like being a VIP at tradish marriage rally.

39. Avoid the lady with the big horn!

It’s loud!

38. Wear your most coolest Jesus swag.

I suggest an FBI Jesus hat.

37. Don’t forget any merch from the Creation Museum.

It’s the perfect place to wear it.

36. Remember, it’s about your freedom!

35. Prep your anti-abortion sign BEFORE the march begins. You’re just going to play catch-up!

34. Make sure your sign isn’t upside-down.

You wouldn’t want to look like a dummy. C’mon now!

33. Flip coins?

Not really sure what this means, but it sounds good!

32. Wear a tablecloth.

31. Get scientific.

But whatever you do, don’t mention the fact that studies show thousands of species in the animal kingdom display homosexual behavior.

30. Include the Bible verse about the judges, presidents, and Congress citizens.

29. Use a car charger to attach a sign to your body.

Get creative with it!

28. Put your signs on before the march.

Otherwise you’ll look like a goon putting them on!

27. Reinforce your sign with a stick or something. Don’t be this dude.

26. Don’t have a sign? Bring a Bible!

25. Wear your finest “Born Again” leather vest.

If you got it, flaunt it.

24. Anticipate your competition. They will call you bigots. Make a sign that says you’re not. That should make everyone believe you’re not.

23. Make sure your stick figures have necks.

22. Double-issue-fist. Two issues at once. Go 4 it!

Abortion goes with everything.

21. Make up your own mathematical equations.

20. History = HIS story. Remember that.

19. Make a chart.

18. Use the word “ortfunk hooner-bean”! It’s effective.

17. Watch for sign bombers.

16. Pose with your fave sign.

Do something fun! Have the guy holding the sign do a cute move too.

15. Get the sign with the kid with the crazy hair.

Live a little!

14. Put on your best game face.

Try to look tough. See above.

13. Never fight with a dancing drag queen.

It’s pointless. You will lose. Every. Single. Time.

12. It’s also just a guy in drag! Don’t be scared!

11. Subtly call Obama a coward.

10. Use hi-res images. That low-res shit hurts my eyes!

9. Don’t throw God in the trash! He likes to be recycled.

8. Think about all of the dictionaries that are going to have to change.


6. Choose your stock images wisely.

5. Make sure you have AT LEAST one dude dressed as a founding father.

4. Get your iPad out of the way!

God is so mad at you!

3. Blame the liberal media — call it the “axis of evil.”

2. The name Gomorrah is a scary name. Use it.

1. Lastly, don’t be the lady who starts waving her scarf and ringing bells when the rally ends and Switchfoot comes on.

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Deputy Editorial Director, Devout Member of the Church of Godney
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