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Celebrity

We Need To Talk About Ryan Gosling At A Parking Meter

I'm shivering (in pleasure).

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*The setting*

We are on a street in Southern California. There are crystal shops, dozens of people randomly complaining about why they left New York City, and Panera-style restaurants where you order at a counter and they give you a number and then they bring you your food. I love those places.

An older gentleman with a blurry face walks away as a man, Ryan Marie Gosling,* gears up to pay for his parking. A true man of the law, a man of my heart, a man who could drive into me any day.

*Marie is not actually his middle name but I think it's cute and fitting.
Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

*Marie is not actually his middle name but I think it's cute and fitting.

Ryan stops for a moment and stares into the busy California street (traffic sucks there). He uses his brain, pouts a bit, and calculates. It's the math in his head. How long will he need to be here for? How long must he stay? The blurry old man is still there.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

Ryan presses his supple hands into the parking meter. "Bee doop bee doop doop bee doop" (the sound a parking meter makes). The old man with the blurry head quivers.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

"Bee doop bee doop doop bee doop doop bee doop doop bee doop doop bee doop doop bee doop." Oh yes.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

It works.

Ryan begins to walk away. He delicately places his hand into his pocket. He raises his eyebrow, turns his torso, and gives a confused look. This dirty sidewalk is your runway, the parking meter your muse. This is a well-choreographed show, sweeties. Enjoy it.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

The turn-age (like him turning his body to walk to his destination) is almost complete. The blurry old man in the photo is on the verge of collapsing.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

Ryan leaves the scene, the old man faints, and the parking meter immediately breaks.

Lrr / LRR/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES

"That was hot," the parking meter thinks while the old blurry man is sprawled on the ground. "That was real hot."

The end.
Zhudifeng / Getty Images

The end.

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