Having a freedom hangover? Need something to get you through to America Day No. 3 (a.k.a. Labor Day)? Well, this should help do the trick.
America is a place where chill birds can shoot the shit — freely.
Where everything smells like ONE THING.
It's a place where this pickup line CAN work 100 percent of the time.
A place where even though they told us we're out of the World Cup — our chances still look good.
Btw... World, watch out in 2018 — we know the rules now.
It's a land where there's no such thing as "bad" breath.
A place where this kid gets a gold star.
This man gets a gun and a badge.
And she gets a gold medal.
A place where these dudes can eat all the freedom fries they want.
It's a place where reading is fundamental.
Where we'll do anything to win.
Where sunsets are always beautiful.
And bedtime stories are always patriotic.
Where our sports simply MATTER MORE.
It's a demanding place.
It's a place that burns the history books we don't feel like reading.
Because our dicks indeed fire rockets.
A place where poetry is everywhere you turn...
And everyone is a lottery winner.
It's the only place where you don't have to care about silly hypothetical questions.