DISCLAIMER: This is for the fans who sit on the couch forever frustrated by their own physical limitations and say “I could have hit that shot” after someone misses a contested 35 foot three-pointer. This is for everyone who complains about boneheaded turnovers and air balls and irrationally hates players who don’t pass the eye test. We are not completely delusional. We know they’re ACTUALLY better than us, but…
1. Kendrick Perkins
Why you’re better than him: Have you ever actually seen Perkins play? The guy can’t shoot a basketball. Let me rephrase that — he can’t perform the basic function of a basketball player. Perkins is 28 years old and runs the floor like a spry 60-year-old woman. You can run circles around him. You know it. I know it. He knows it.
2. Landry Fields
Why you’re better than him: The only time Landry Fields was a respectable NBA player is when Mike D’Antoni was his coach — and in all fairness, a blind iguana could score twelve points a game in that system.
3. Kris Humphries
Why you’re better than him: Most middle school teams are more mentally tough than Kris Humphries. Plus it doesn’t matter how tall you are, there is a 100 percent guarantee you can reject him — everyone does.
4. Luke Walton
Why you’re better than him: His inner monologue during games closely resembles the lyrics of Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville.”
5. Jared Jefferies
Why you’re better than him: His greatest skill is slapping his chair with a towel with great enthusiasm. He most likely has a degenerative nerve disease in his hands, which have the effectiveness of brick stumps.
6. Kwame Brown
Why you’re better than him: He can’t rebound, pass, shoot, dribble, run, cut, defend, pee standing up, or eat without getting something on his shirt.
8. Miles Plumlee
Why you’re better than him: He couldn’t swat an ice cream cone out of a 3rd grader’s hand. Shawn Bradley calls him a bitch on the reg.
9. Luis Scola
Why you’re better than him: Want to know what Luis Scola did after Kevin Love stomped on his face? Nothing. Because Luis Scola is a bitch on the reg.
10. Josh McRoberts
Why you’re better than him: McRoberts is merely a tall recreational league superstar. He’s that kid in pregame warmups who tries to dunk for about a half hour. He hits a crazy layup and talks about it for a month. He doesn’t play defense, yet still slaps the floor.
11. Derek Fisher
Why you’re better than him: He’s like 70. Watch him cry and ask yourself if you’d ever let this ancient man beat you.
12. Matt Bonner
Why you’re better than him: This is what everyone in the world thinks when someone mentions Matt Bonner: “I refuse to believe anyone with red hair is better than me at basketball.”
13. Nick Calathes
Why you’re better than him: THIS GUY PLAYS IN THE NBA?!?!?!
14. J.J. Reddick
Why you’re better than him: His face. Kirk Hinrich’s crossover made him look like he’s on roller skates. He gels his hair immaculately before games. He writes poetry.
15. Jeremy Lin
Why you’re better than him: Nerd.
16. Greivis Vasquez
Why you’re better than him: Who cares if he led the NBA in assists last year? You led your intramural league in flagrant fouls.
17. Wesley Johnson
Why you’re better than him: This suit.
18. Mike Dunleavy Jr.
Why you’re better than him: Because Mike Dunleavy Jr. finishes wide open fast break layups EXACTLY like you do except he’s 6-foot-9.
20. Boris Diaw
Why you’re better than him: He discovered cheeseburgers, and appears to have taken a liking to them.
21. JaVale McGee
Why you’re better than him: There is no way he even knows the rules. (Seriously, watch the entire video.)
22. The Charlotte Bobcats
Why you’re better than them: Because they’re the Charlotte Bobcats.
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