I'm not exactly the biggest fan of college basketball, but March Madness is a huge deal.
Rather than refer to the NCAA Championships as "the sports" or ridiculing people for being fans of something, I joined the fun by coming up with my own March Madness bracket — based on which mascot would win in a fight. Based on my choices for the First Four, it looks like I'm not going to be getting a piece of Warren Buffett's money.
THE FIRST FOUR
Vanderbilt Commodores v Wichita St Shockers
Commodores, I get. Naval commanders beneath the rear…admiral. Since we're talking about rears already, I can only assume the Shockers are the vulgar hand-gesture that's so popular at frat parties. Because OH MY GOD THAT MASCOT IS UGLY AS SIN.
I'm giving this round to the Vanderbilt Commodores, in hopes that I will never have to look at that abomination of a mascot again. Hey Wichita State: embrace your corn husker roots in a less terrifying fashion.
Winner: Vanderbilt Commodores
Holy Cross Crusaders v Southern Jaguars
Crusaders, huh…that's a tough one. Not all Crusades were created equal, y'know. Take the Children's Crusades. Pretty much a roving band of impoverished Christians who wandered around for a while before getting sold into slavery.
Even more formal, organized crusades had a nasty habit of ending poorly for everyone involved. I'm giving this one to the Jaguars.
Winner: Southern Jaguars
Florida Gulf Coast Eagles v Fairleigh Dickinson Knights
Look at this video of an eagle getting a belly rub. Sure, eagles may be vicious killers, but look how happy he looks! And listen to that adorable squeak!
Now that knights know the secret formula to making eagles happy, this should be a relatively straightforward match-up. And on the off chance the eagle turns on the knight mid belly rub? All that armor's gotta provide a decent amount of protection.
Winner: Fairleigh Dickinson Knights
Michigan Wolverines v Tulsa Golden Hurricanes
…a golden hurricane. You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, he's not a hurricane? He's a superhero with power over the weather? Great. That means this is a Marvel Universe matchup between Wolverine and Storm. Practically every comic book matchup has happened in an issue somewhere, so it shouldn't be too hard to find some grounds for comparison.
…huh, Wolverine and Storm made out in a Days of Future Past deleted scene? Hugh go, Hugh Jackman! That's a victory in my book. At least, since he's the only one who gets to remember it.
Hugh Jackman Michigan Wolverines