THE REAL SOUTH BEACH DIET: WHAT MIAMI GIRLS EAT

A lot can be said about South Beach girls, what with their flat stomachs, untouching thighs and dubiously thick hair - they're hot, carefree, fun, unemployed. For most Miami girls, the fact that they're technically biologically alive is a miracle of science. It's true that all that suntanning and funday'ing requires sustenance. But what do they really eat?

Via misterdirk.com

A nutritious meal plan (read: actually life sustaining) is peskily aggravated by this lingering cloud: they're only one text message (and one hour away), 24 hours a day, from having to drop everything (read: doing absolutely nothing) to being bikini-clad, probably topless and dancing to shitty, too-loud, big-drop confetti house music on a boat owned by The Shadiest Guy In The World. Like Batman, they're waiting for that call. Which sends their "stomach" into a state of perpetual paralysis. That moment's notice is called The Fear.

Her week starts off innocently enough until this event, that opening, Tinder, that party, that guy, their "bitches" and the weekend escalate and escalate, whip-snapping them in the face until Team No Sleep wakes up in a house on Pinetree Drive unwittingly co-starring in an DYI episode of Naked And Afraid. To which there's only one cure. Start over next week.