Response to When Polyamorous Women Are Honest Before Sex:
Still insinuating most poly folks (women especially) aren’t currently being honest with their new sexual partners. That just isn’t true. Some are, yes, and some are masking their inability for honest communication for “polyamory”, but seriously, most are not like that. That’s why it falls under ETHICAL non-monogamy. I wish she had been up-front about it before that, though, because duh, honesty, and also because it’s sometimes really hard to say no to an attractive person in a situation like that. The conversation should have had way before, like when considering if they want to keep on seeing each other, before unleashing most of the sexual tension. Not that everyone’s perfect, and life throws a curveball here and there from time to time and you can’t always be prepared for such a situation, but still. I would also like to hereby quote what a couple of other people said about this video some place else, because that’s what I wanted to say as well: “So…this video showed up on my feed today. I have some very mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I appreciate its attempt to model honest communication about compatibility before having sex with a new partner. I love that it debunks slut shaming and clears up some common misconceptions about poly people. Encouraging more open communication is a great thing. That said, there were a number of things that sadly missed the mark.
First off, I wish the poly girl had explained her relationship orientation to him long before this point. In my experience, this ought to be the first conversation with a new potential partner, including full disclosure about existing relationships. I wish she’d been more clear about the number of people she’s currently sleeping with, and hadn’t tried to downplay the significance of those partners. Her approach felt evasive and less than truly honest. I wish she had been the first to initiate a check in before sex. I wish she’d been more specific in asking about his sexual safety and number of current or recent partners. I wish she’d asked about STI tests and using protection. I wish she’d openly volunteered her own practices to help him understand why it’s safe to be polyamorous. All this was missing, and is so important for ethical non-monogamy. Finally, I wish she’d handled this conversation with a lot more compassion. The man in the video is obviously confused and overwhelmed by what she’s saying, and rather than holding space for those (extremely common) reactions, she makes fun of him. At one point, she even gets physically abusive and hits him with a pillow. I find that sad, as he actually seems pretty open-minded and curious. Overall, I’m glad that the writer of this scene is encouraging poly people to be more honest, and that the end message is one of acceptance. And, as a community, I hope us poly folk can do a lot better than this.” Also: “I have a number of critiques regarding the female character’s handling of the situation. Overall, she’s evasive and noticeably more interested in pleasure than the emotional comfort of her partner.”