Parenting is an experience unlike any other, and it will make you say and do some pretty weird things.
1. "I put a stuffed animal in time out."
3. "I had to stop my 3-year-old from squishing ranch dressing between her toes. She said it 'feels nice.'"
4. "I made the mistake of answering a birds and bees question by saying, ‘Sometimes when a mummy and daddy really love each other, they have a special cuddle, and it makes a baby.' From this point on my 8-year-old daughter was OBSESSED with special cuddles and wanted to know what they were, how they looked, and the next time Daddy and I had one, could I film it? Seriously 🙈"
5. "When my daughter was 3, she removed her diamond stud earring and proceeded to SWALLOW it. Went to the ER, had an X-ray done, and sure enough, the earring lit up like the 4th of July in her little belly. Spent the next several days combing through her poop until she passed it."
6. "My 18-month-old son got into the dog's food bowl and ate the kibble. I panicked and ended up calling the Poison Control Center to make sure he wasn't poisoned. The guy I spoke to had to hold back his laughter while telling me my son would be just fine but to maybe put up the dog bowl in the future. Yeah, no shit, buddy!"
7. "I explained that you won’t turn into a fruit if you eat Gushers."
9. "When my son was about 5, he was scared of the dark and wouldn't go to the bathroom alone, so I would stand with my back to him and 'keep watch' for anything that may attack him."
"He didn't want me to look because he was at that age of wanting the privacy to go, but he didn't want to be alone, so I kept watch, lol. He's over that now, thank god. Just a night-light in the room keeps him good."
10. "I’d wake up in the night to find my 3-year-old's face just right there — staring and breathing at me."
11. "I've had this exchange: 'No, that’s not a sandbox, that’s where the cats go to the bathroom — it’s a litter box!' 'Oh a glitter box!' 'No, kid, a litter box!!!!"
12. "My husband once made himself into a human shield to protect the cream rug in my daughter's room when she projectile vomited bright orange. He looked like something out of a horror movie."
13. "One time, standing in front of a Father's Day card display, my 3-year-old, who had only ever heard the term 'Daddy,' shouted at the top of his lungs in a crowded shop: 'Mummy, what's a father?'"
14. "I tell each of my kids that they are my favorite, they all believe it, and weirdly it’s true."
15. "My favorite thing so far is explaining to my 3-year-old why he cannot call strangers 'big head' in public, very loudly, while they're saying how adorable he is."
16. "I had to tell my eldest not to fart in their hot cocoa. They wanted a new cup, and figured if they farted in it I would be inclined to give them a new one. They did not get a new cup."
18. "No one prepared me for how nasty parenting would be. Some of the stuff you have to do, I never imagined that I would ever have to do, like pulling *poop* out of a *butt* that was just not strong enough to get the rock-hard feces out themselves."
19. "I've had to yell, 'Don’t splash in the pee!'”
20. "I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve yelled at my kids to stop farting on each other."
21. "My daughter went through a weird phase when she was 3 or 4 where she was obsessed with things she could do when she was 20. 'Can I eat whatever I want when I'm 20?' 'Can I drive when I'm 20?' 'Can I stay up late when I'm 20?' 'Can I move to Hawaii when I'm 20?' Things like that...so random! Well, one day...
"...she was in the bathroom with me and she grabbed the last tampon out of the box and asked what it was. I told her, to which she replied, 'Can I use it when I'm 20?' I told her she could wear tampons when she's 20 if that's what she chooses to do.
The next day, we're in the bathroom again, and I go to use my last tampon when I see her getting teary-eyed. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, 'You were supposed to save that for when I'm 20!' I had to explain to her that it was not, in fact, the last tampon on earth, and she would have plenty of options by the time she's 20."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.