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19 Hilarious Parenting Tweets From The Dumpster Fire That Is 2018

"Alexa, feed my kids."

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Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY Me: good job! Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES Me: i’m proud of you Toddler: AND N…


Helping your kids with their math homework is a good way to teach them about math and swear words.


You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.


Top three artifacts lost to history: 3) Blackbeard's treasure 2) Amelia Earhart's airplane 1) My 3-year-old's other shoe


My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any "play pretend" outfits so I put on workout clothes.


[At parent teacher conference] Teacher: She's really doing great. Keep doing whatever you're doing. Me, internall…



After presenting my son with a stack of gifts for his birthday, he responded with, "Is that it?" so yeah, parenthood is pretty rewarding.


Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away f…


Who is the never-seen-figure who is funding Paw Patrol, and why are they investing billions in ridiculous equipment…


Just saw a toddler swipe a fish tank because he was ready to watch something else.


Me: Looks like it's time to play everyone's favorite game! Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly* Husband: No on…


Every picture I have of my two-year-old is of him walking towards the camera asking if he can see the picture


How my daughter woke me up this morning: “Mommy, so boys have seeds hiding in their bellies and they spit it out a…


Them: what’s parenthood like? Me: I spent my Saturday evening picking every bit of parsley off dinner so tiny peop…


My baby cried for me when I walked in the room. She didn't want mommy, she wanted ME! She farted the moment I pick…


Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them the…


Saved my kid's life today by yelling ARE YOU OKAY from a different room


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