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Raising kids these last couple years has been more than a little like this:
Here are the year's funniest parent tweets (so far):
1.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
2.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
3.
Two of my kids just had an entire argument by singing at each other and now I understand how musicals are made.
4.
my kid randomly told me “I’m gonna go do namaste in the backyard be back soon” this is... apparently... namaste
5.
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
6.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
7.
Look who decided to join us. You missed a beautiful sunrise, I’ve already made coffee, had breakfast, gotten a newspaper, went fishing, took a hike.... -Dads on vacation
8.
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
9.
Me: has someone been playing games on my phone? My kids: not us! My phone:
10.
I'm always shocked how I can't keep a house plant alive but I have 2 kids.
11.
Hey, NASA, do you mind looking for my son’s shoe while you’re on Mars? He’s looked “everywhere.”
12.
my daughter was like mom can you get my balloon? no thefuck i cannot.
13.
Nobody: Nobody at all: My son: I was in my mommy stomach when she was in high school
14.
My daughter said parents burst into your room randomly like they’re trying to catch you cheating with other parents 😭😂😂
15.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
16.
i think my daughter has a favorite cat
Cat #1: "My cat Daisy is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!"
Cat #2: "My cat Sweat Pea has diabetes."
17.
I had to apologize to my daughter for accusing her of something she didn’t do. Baby girl recorded my apology & she’s now used it as a ringtone for when I call her.
18.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works: “You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
19.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
20.
My toddler daughter spent 30 min telling me she don’t like crab legs and then sat in my damn lap and had me feeding her crab legs and gone tell me “dip it in butter good”
21.
ME: *exists* KID: that’s not how mommy does it
22.
Hey, if you’re not busy, my daughter has a two hour story about slime she’d love to share with anyone who will listen.
23.
My son found a chocolate wrapper this morning and started interrogating me about it. I realized my wife and I basically run an underground speakeasy from 8-11 every night and we’re trying not to get caught by our two toddler landlords.
24.
Spent ten minutes scrubbing the wall thinking my kids left a huge stain on it and then realized it was my own shadow. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.
25.
My teenage daughter just walked in my room and said, “Mom, if you take my hairbrush can you please remember to put it back?”. I just looked at her and laughed and laughed and laughed until she slowly backed out of the room.
26.
My favorite part of getting a child ready for school is when she says, "Oh yeah, it's Spirit Week and I need to dress like a giraffe today."
27.
When your kid has yet to finish a puzzle & now it looks like the scene of a teddy bear murder
28.
My daughter has a lot of balls telling me to get out of the bathroom when she’s on the toilet considering she hasn’t let me go in there alone in 4 years.
29.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
30.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
31.
Can we stop with the “terrible twos” and “threenagers” and “FML fours” and just admit that kids are dicks until they move out?
32.
I paid my daughter R20 for washing dishes but now that she’s sleeping I just stole it. She has to learn early that crime rate is high in this country
33.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
34.
My 10-year-old made scrambled eggs for her sisters, but they refused to eat it. She was distraught. Why would they turn down perfectly good food that she worked really hard on? Welcome to parenthood.
35.
7 found a tooth in some used legos they bought at an estate sale and he put it UNDER HIS PILLOW to try to get money from the tooth fairy and there are so many issues with this entire story I don't know if I can keep him anymore.
36.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
37.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.” I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
38.
Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."
39.
How to bake with toddlers: Don’t
40.
my kid learned a cat's average life span is 10-15 years (ours is 9) and now he can't stop petting her and going "I'll miss her" like wtf dude stop
41.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
42.
My 9yo let me know that she’s starting to get really stressed about how old I’m getting. Thanks kid.
43.
my son is crying bc he wants to be a flamingo “not a pretend one”
44.
My daughter turned 5 today. She is currently having a meltdown bc she “still looks 4”
45.
My daughter saw my husband putting ice cream on a cookie, and she looked at him and said, "I wasn't aware that was something a person could do." #Hamilton #Hamiltonkids @HamiltonMusical
46.
I’m 30 & married but whenever I feed my baby I hear the Avril Lavigne song Sk8r Boi - “five years from now, she sits at home, feeding the baby she’s all alone!”
47.
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”
48.
my son noticed I was struggling so he brought me a cookie and told me my hair was beautiful he’ll be hosting his first ‘how to be a good husband’ workshop next week
49.
My daughter is asking the tooth fairy for $100, “because I really liked that tooth.” 😂
50.
I just said “Okay?” to my 4 yo and she responded quietly with “No-kay.” 😩😩😩😩😩😩