Until you become a parent, you have no idea how drastically different life is "before kids" and "after kids."
If you want to know what life is like after kids — or if you're a parent in need of a good laugh — we've got you covered. Here are some hilarious tweets that 100% capture life before and after having kids:
1.
BEFORE HAVING KIDS: "I am NEVER making separate meals for my children" 4 YEARS LATER: "Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its."
2.
Autumn’s Daylight Savings Time: A Play in Two Acts Act I, before kids: “OMG, ‘fall back,’ an extra hour of sleep!” 😃 Act II, after kids: “OMG, how is it possible that they are up THIS EARLY?!” 😧 THE END
3.
Before kids: I’m gonna be honest about everything to my kids After kids: better get to bed, the boogie man will get you, ooooooooooh, do you hear that? he gets all the children if they’re up late, and those toys? Better put them away, that’s how he finds you that’s how he works
4.
Before kids: friend calls at 9pm to meet for drinks at 9:15. I’m out the door in 5. After kids: friend calls in December to make plans for March. I obsess for months over cost of sitter, being up late and having to put on real pants. Day comes, neither of us want to go.
5.
Before kids: I'll never let my kids eat that garbage. After kids: "Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that's just the marshmallows?"
6.
Before kids: I’m going to be such a good mom. Really explain things. Rules with reasons, you know? After kids: Because I said so, that’s why!
7.
Before kids: "When I have kids they're just going to have to fit around my life. You can't just change everything for them." After kids: "Yeah...you can have the train table in the middle of the bloody kitchen." #parenting #dadlife
8.
“I’m not wearing a bra.” Before kids: flirting After kids: a warning
9.
Before kids: *Slow sips of wine in the bath* After kids: *Rage drinking morning coffee in the shower*
10.
*Going away for the weekend* Before kids: I've got 27 bucks, underwear, and a toothbrush. I'm good. After kids: I bought a bigger car, packed two of everything we own, and took out a second mortgage to pay for it. We might make it half way. #dadlife
11.
*can’t find whisk* BEFORE KIDS: Looks in drawer, dishwasher, sink AFTER KIDS: Looks in drawer, dishwasher, sink, backpacks, toy bins, under couches, bathroom, car, library lost-n-found, dryer, car, yard, attic, neighbor’s house...
12.
Me, before kids: I’m going to raise the most badass feminists. Dirt! Sports! Trucks! And they will barely watch TV, too. Me, after kids, on day 86 of being home: Oh sure, we can watch Barbie Princess Charm School on Netflix at 7:15 AM. Let me get the remote.
13.
Before kids: bribery is bad After kids: bribery is survival, here are some puffs
14.
Before kids: I'm exhausted. Thank god its the weekend so I can sleep as much as I want for a couple days After kids: I'm exhausted. Thank god my kid is interested enough in this Youtube video that I can maybe nap for 10 minutes
15.
Me before kids: "Why do all these parents listen to all the ridiculous requests their kids make?! It's mental! Me after kids: *cutting toast into regular hexagons*
16.
Before kids: I'm going to age into a silver fox. After kids: I'm a silver sloth.
17.
Before kids “Scream my name!!” After Kids “If anyone screams my name again I’m going to lose my sh*t”
18.
Me before kids: Why do they write “non-toxic” on all the crayons? Who the heck is eating them? lolololol Me after kids: IT’S FINE!! LOOK, THE PACKAGE SAYS “NON-TOXIC” RIGHT HERE!! HE’LL JUST HAVE RAINBOW POOP FOR A FEW DAYS. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!
19.
Before Kids: *hears, "Sorry, baby peed on the cat."* WAIT - WHAT IS HAPPENING??? After Kids: *hears, "sorry, baby peed on the cat."* Nice. Which cat?
20.
Sleep before kids: OMG there is a speck of light and a very slight noise! I CANNOT SLEEP IN THESE CONDITIONS! Sleep after kids: I don’t care if you lay on me, just please don’t pull my eyelids open or scream in my ear.
21.
me at restaurants before kids: "Allow the dining experience to wash over you. Don't rush it!" after kids: - read menu beforehand - pick out exact order - place orders as soon as we sit down - give server credit card with order - in and out in under 25 minutes - 25%+ tip