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50 Things No One Tells You About Becoming A Parent

You won't find this stuff in the baby books.

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3. Going to the bathroom in peace will become a thing of the past.

All I ask for is one time. ONE TIME can I please go to the bathroom without a head peaking in! #momlife #momproblems

4. It'll be way too easy to gain a little weight.


Kids love to eat ice cream, and what are you gonna do? Let them eat that tiny, 4-ounce kid’s cup without getting a jumbo for yourself? That would just be rude.


7. On a related note — you should always think twice before offering anyone a ride.


Because it’s all too easy to say, “Sure, you can ride with me!” then remember as you walk the 40 feet to your car that the inside is a war zone.


13. You will need to get used to seeing unflattering photos of yourself.

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Once you have a kid your top priority will be to get a good shot of your kid, not you. So, if your kid is looking at the camera and smiling that will become the keeper — even if you're wearing your robe or squinting awkwardly.

15. Make your kid try to pee (whether they say they need to or not) whenever you leave a place with a toilet.


Because kids will say they don’t have to pee until “I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW I CAN’T HOLD IT OH NO I’M PEEING!”


17. The power of cute is more formidable than you realize.

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Right now you’re like, “I’ll never give in to my kid’s whims and desires.” But it's a whole lot harder when your cute kid is peering up at you with their big eyes and saying, “Pwease?”

19. You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.


Friend: “I met this gorgeous girl at the club last night and we’ve been texting all day.” You: “I changed a poopy diaper.” Awkward silence.

20. Your kid will probably break something important of yours.

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Kids have a knack for breaking, dirtying, or losing stuff. It could be your glasses, smartphone, television, guitar, favorite shirt...nothing is safe!


25. You won’t be able to watch movies where kids are killed or kidnapped.


When you have a little person in your house who you love more than anything, those movies hit a little too close to home.

26. Take toys your kid has lost interest in and put them in a box in the closet. Later, when your kid is bored, pull out the box and let your kid go “toy shopping.”

27. You won’t want to spend money on yourself because you’ll know every dollar spent on yourself is a dollar you could’ve spent on your family.


29. Never give your toddler your phone without putting it on guided access.

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Otherwise they’re liable to go on a binge of deleting apps and repeatedly texting “xjsadvbli457vw” to your boss.

30. When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport.

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“Got the wipes?” “Check.” “The diapers, change of clothes, blanket, baby bottle, pacifier?” “Uh, check.”

31. Try to take it in stride when your kid says something rude like, “Why do you have so many more gray hairs than Tommy’s mommy/daddy?”


Because it won’t be long before they say something like, “You’re the best mommy/daddy in the world!” (That one, of course, will be totally true.)


34. You will cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes down and the time you go to sleep.

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“Quick! Turn on This Is Us! Pour the wine! Tell me what you think about the day's news! Ah, crap. It’s time for bed.”

36. For a while, only you will be able to understand your kid, so you will basically become their interpreter.

Grandma: “What did she say? Moogle woogle boo?” You: “No, she wants me to take her and her cousin to the park over on Smith Street next Tuesday.”


40. If you tell your kids that foods like broccoli and Brussels sprouts will make them pass gas, theyʼll suddenly be interested in eating them.


41. Don’t let your kid fall asleep within five minutes of getting home or they’ll be up for hours.

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“Hey! Let’s sing the ‘We’re Almost Home’ song! WE’RE ALMOST HOME! NO SLEEPING! WE’RE ALMOST HOME!”

42. You will never be able to go to a McDonald’s with a Playland and leave without your kid playing in it.

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Your kid may say they’re fine with only having lunch on the way in, but they’ll change their tune once they’ve polished off their Happy Meal.

43. Before you decide to make a cake you saw on Pinterest for your kid's birthday party (or treats for a school event), remember — recreating Pinterest gems is harder than it looks.

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If your chocolate banana pops come out looking a little weird on a random Wednesday night no one in your family will mind. But if you bring penis-shaped banana pops to your kid's school...well, sometimes store-bought is best.


48. If you say something sarcastic — like that you love being your kid’s chauffeur — they will think you mean it.


“I don’t get why can’t you take me. You said you love driving me around!”

49. A fun thing to do is to make up a handshake or phrase of endearment you only use with your kid and no one else.


Your kid will never forget it, and it will still make them smile long after you’re gone.

50. And lastly, it’s all worth it.

OK, so this is something people will tell you, but it’s true. Even with all of the maddening things that come along with being a parent, being someone’s mommy or daddy is one of life’s most rewarding experiences.