Parents·Posted on Jul 13, 201850 Hilarious Parenting Tweets From 2018 That Won't Be Topped"The average child uses 16,000 feet of Scotch Tape in a day."by Mike SpohrBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Simon Holland @simoncholland My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 76 minutes. 12:29 PM - 20 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Rebecca Caprara @RebeccaCaprara 2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them 07:03 PM - 23 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Dad and Buried @DadandBuried Every single conversation I have with my kids 12:32 PM - 01 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn Me: What did you do at school today? 5-year-old: Learned about dragons. Me: Your class learned about dragons? 5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing. 06:54 PM - 19 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Tara Brown @Faux_Ma I'm sorry for the things I said while I was trying to get the kids to school on time. 03:43 AM - 23 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Jessie @mommajessiec Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made. 12:22 PM - 20 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. mark @TheCatWhisprer ME: too bad you won’t get to experience the joy of going into toys r us like i did TODDLER: *removes wireless ear bud and looks up from ipad* i’m good 12:37 AM - 15 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. christine teigen @chrissyteigen hiding-while-pooping is my favorite thing about toddlers. I didn't know it was a thing before kids. she creates a small, gated community or fort and you may not look at or speak to her for 10-15 mins. she will call for you, but it is a trick. you may not look. 11:02 PM - 19 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight? 7yo: 100 Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6 7yo (thinking): 30 02:38 PM - 19 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Lauren Mullen @DraggingFeeties Me: Looks like it's time to play everyone's favorite game! Kids: *clapping and cheering excitedly* Husband: No one wants to help you find your glasses. 02:23 PM - 31 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Saladin Ahmed @saladinahmed today my eight-year-old son said ‘what if the tooth fairy was real and she was collecting the teeth to build an army of teeth-people’ 02:07 PM - 10 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. jendziura @jendziura My 3yo said she wanted to be an astronaut, and I said she had to study hard, go to college, learn a lot of science, and take a physical fitness test, and she shrugged and said, "That's just 4 things." So she's basically a nonchalant motivational speaker. 03:29 AM - 15 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. your mom @eff_yeah_steph The average child uses 16,000 feet of scotch tape in a day. 03:57 PM - 26 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Cydni Beer @themessednest Parenting is a lot easier if you are comfortable with bribery and lies. 09:02 PM - 29 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Lurkin' Mom @LurkAtHomeMom Me: I was thinking we could plant a garden this summer. What should we grow? 6yo: Pizza! 2yo: Balloons! Me: *pulls summer school flyer out of recycling bin* 10:34 PM - 24 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. No Idea: Daddy Blog @byclintedwards My 4yo talks a lot of smack for someone wearing crocs on the wrong feet. 03:30 AM - 22 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. SpacedMom @copymama Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car. 01:10 PM - 19 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Ashley Austrew @ashleyaustrew Letting my kid watch Jurassic Park for the first time. Me: This came out in 1993. This came out when *I* was *your* age. Kid: Oh, like when the dinosaurs were really still around? 10:44 PM - 04 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. mark @TheCatWhisprer My 3-year-old has figured out how to be super annoying without actually misbehaving. How quickly the student becomes the teacher. 01:17 AM - 15 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. AsKateWouldHaveIt @KateWouldHaveIt My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on 02:22 PM - 21 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. La Guardia Cross @LaGuardiaCross These are the kind of quality photos I send my mom of her grandkids, because I tried my best. 08:00 PM - 21 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Josh @iwearaonesie My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic 01:56 PM - 23 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Ramblin Mama @ramblinma I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids. 06:36 PM - 08 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Andrew Fowler @fowlerism DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet! ME: Ha ha, you're so silly [later] ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions 11:42 PM - 30 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. the Mom TruthBomb @momTruthBomb I can't seem to find an emoticon of a woman silently weeping next to a pile of unfolded laundry. 02:05 PM - 23 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. MyQuestionableLife @2questionable Imagine a sprinkler stuck in the on position and instead of water it’s shooting out words. That’s what it’s like with kids. 03:39 PM - 25 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Sara Says Stop @PetrickSara Pretty sure I could get my kid to do practically anything as long as they think I’m going to make a YouTube video about it. 04:50 AM - 26 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Dave Learns Dadding @DaveLearnsToDad I really appreciate how patient the two year old’s new friend is. 05:04 PM - 24 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. MotherPlaylist @MotherPlaylist My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E. Cheese is only open once a year. 05:27 PM - 17 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. carcinojen @Peauxtassium If you think you’re your own worst critic, have kids 02:01 AM - 16 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Unfiltered Mama @UnfilteredMama “She poops too much.” - my son’s review of his new baby sister 07:34 PM - 04 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Valerie @ValeeGrrl [at bus stop] ME: you brush your teeth bud? SON: UMMMM NO BUT I DID LAST NIGHT ME: SON: AT LEAST I THINK I DID ME: SON: YEAH. I DID. ME: *rubs temples slowly* 01:35 PM - 27 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. Mommy Owl @Lhlodder Every meal with my kids is 15 hours long. 04:57 PM - 05 Apr 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Jessie @mommajessiec Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week- Youth sports: Let me stop you right there. 01:37 PM - 05 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. A Mancino-Williams @Manda_like_wine My 6yo thinks that Good Friday is called Freaky Friday and I'm not correcting her. 01:14 PM - 30 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. Karen Johnson @21stcenturysahm This is the best day of my life! -my 5yo after riding an escalator. (Really glad we took that Disney trip last year.) 06:35 PM - 27 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. Lauren Mullen @DraggingFeeties "Apologize for yelling at your mother. We don't yell at her, she yells at us." -my husband, clearly the only person who understands the rules around here 05:03 PM - 08 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. It'sReally10Months @really10months That damn tooth fairy didn’t show last night. She is so disappointing. 12:47 PM - 19 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. Ijeoma Oluo @IjeomaOluo My 10 year old created a shared Google doc to chat with his friends and it's the most adorably nerdy solution to "my mom won't let me have a social media account" that I've seen in a while 03:11 AM - 13 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. MumMumMommyMom🤦🏻♀️ @tinyandtired My husband bought our 3y.o. a police light, complete with siren, to attach to his bike, so I guess we're going to need couple's counseling now. 10:06 PM - 26 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 41. kim 🎁🎂 @KimmyMonte my family and i just got ice cream and were sitting on a park bench when some guy walked by and said, “isn’t it a little too early for ice cream” to which my son responds “could be worse. we could have beers” and i’ve never been more proud. 03:38 PM - 07 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. The Real American Dadass @R_A_Dadass A cool thing about having kids is that you can get out of doing stuff you don't wanna do by telling people your kid is sick. 12:06 AM - 06 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. Simon Holland @simoncholland It’s the first day of summer break and my kids are on #72 of the 75 fun summer activities we had planned. 06:17 PM - 29 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 44. Ash (an female) @adult_mom Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY Me: good job! Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES Me: i’m proud of you Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS Me: great Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES Me: wait what 07:24 PM - 01 Feb 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. Mommy Cusses @mommy_cusses The recipe for disaster: 1) Have kids 12:12 AM - 23 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 46. The ParentNormal @ParentNormal Kids may dance like nobody's watching, but they also pick their nose like nobody's watching. So we'll call it a draw. 02:12 PM - 25 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 If they ever did an olympic event for kids who put empty cereal boxes back in the cupboard, my kids would take gold. 01:36 PM - 23 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. Molly England @bluebonetbabies My favorite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. 02:29 PM - 15 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. Elisabeth. @YourMomsucksTho Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you 10:46 AM - 05 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. Karen Johnson @21stcenturysahm You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet. 02:39 PM - 26 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite