When you first become a parent, you look at your adorable new baby and think...It's going to be so AMAZING when they start talking! I can't WAIT to hear all of the things they're going to say!
Well, fellow parents, you just might regret that — at least a little — because they're going to say some weiiiiird shit. Also, embarrassing, disturbing, confidence-shaking, and thankfully, hilarious stuff! Here is a taste of what you have to look forward to:
1. They will say things that keep you up at 3 a.m.:
“Daddy, that chicken’s ghost is gonna haunt you for eating it,” and other terrifying shit my 4yo casually says to me.
2. And they'll say stuff you've never considered before, stuff you really wish never entered your mind:
my kid just now: “How much communion bread would you have to eat for us to eat a whole Jesus?” bless.
3. Even when they say something cute, it can send you spiraling:
On my 40th birthday, my 4 year old climbed into my bed and whispered: “I’ll always love you, even when you die”, shit got real fast
4. Moms...this child you gave life to will drag you to hell:
my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom” im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that
5. And dads...your kid is going to burn you to a crisp, too:
"If mommy was in heaven, Daddy would be lost in a grocery store" -Our 7yo w/ uncalled for morbid thoughts, but still nailing it
6. They will also make you feel old:
This morning my daughter lovingly touched my face and in the sweetest voice said “you don’t look that old mom”
7. So, so old:
Daughter: Look, I’m dressed like someone from your time Me: What time do you think I’m from?? Daughter: You know, the 19s
8. All of this is to say you will need to develop thick skin:
6yo: I love you Me: I love you too! 6yo: I wasn’t talking to you I was talking to my donut
9. And do NOT expect them to like your cooking:
I was cooking dinner and 6 came in, told me she was writing a song called “what’s that burning smell coming from the kitchen” then walked out again banging her tambourine
10. But with requests like this, you can't really be offended:
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
11. You might wonder if they're a little evil:
Today my daughter held up a picture of a dinosaur and a robot and asked "Daddy who do you think would win, the dinosaur can breathe fire but the robot can access her enemy's deepest fears with her mind", just in case you're looking for the world's next supervillain
12. Or, if not evil, definitely super scheming:
son: let me know if you need any money, because I can rob a bank me: what if you get caught? son: I'll say, "oh, sorry, is that bad? I'm in first grade and they didn't teach us that yet" me: son: trust me, it works
13. Also important to know...you will send them to school, or out with friends' parents, and they will keep talking and saying lord knows what madness:
My daughter told her teacher that I love murder but forgot to include the TV SHOWS part so our next meeting should be fun
14. But don't get me wrong, they will say stuff that CRACKS YOU UP:
My son is singing a song he made up called "Free the Nipples" because he doesn't want to wear a shirt and I don't think I'm mature enough to be a parent right now
15. Like, how could you not laugh at this:
7YO: My tummy hurts Me: Must be the pack of cookies you ate 7YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
16. Ditto for "leg prisons":
My kid yelled ‘PANTS ARE LEG PRISONS’ when I told him to get dressed so our talks about consent are going well.
17. Or Mr. McClay:
On the 1st day of school, my 6-year-old told me about his art teacher, Mr. McClay. This week, I found out his name is actually Mr. Mitchell. Turns out my kid has been calling him McClay because he thinks that's a better name for an art teacher.
18. Or this kid classic:
My 5yo asked if I knew that “butter has butt in it”
19. Their pronunciation will lead to some serious laughs, too:
My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.
20. As will their not yet totally solid grasp of the English language:
I know my 4yo found the gallon of ice cream I bought because I heard him yell across the house “YES WE GOT A FULL TANK OF ICE CREAM!!”
21. Eeeeven when they're 12:
My 12-year-old called her ankles "foot wrists" and now I'm concerned about her future plans to be a doctor.
22. And hearing what they do — but mostly don't — know about how the world works is pure comedy:
11yo: don’t be an ass 7yo: Don’t say that word, it means penis
23. See what I mean?
6: am i made of yolk? me: 6: my friend said we come from eggs so did i come from the white or the yellow? me: ahh…go ask your father
24. Sometimes, their unique understanding of the world is adorable:
My 5yo just told me that a volcano erupts because “something was probably rude to the lava and it needs to escape” so I’ll publish his thesis once it’s complete
25. Sometimes, it'll make you go "Uhhhhhh":
6: “Mommy, imagine you had to buy your baby instead of growing it out of your penis or your belly. It would cost like ten dollars.” So much to unpack here…
26. And sometimes, you're just so happy you get to be the one who enlightens them, LOL:
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?” - my child, about to be shook
27. Other times, they will say say something surprisingly smart...right before they go back to being a little knucklehead:
My 8 year old: Mommy, do you know what synovial fluid is? That’s what keeps the joints gliding. If we didn’t have synovial fluid it would hurt to move! Isn’t that amazing? Also my 8 year old: I am only wearing underwear and one sock and I do not know why
28. Kids' forays into the written word, it should be said, are every bit as...interesting:
My 6 year old is writing a novel and I think she shows real promise.
…and then she pooped not ice cream, she pooped poop. And she farted. She farted not sprinkles, she farted fart….
29. There will be times you really wish they couldn't talk:
Me: Why does it smell like poop in here? Kid: Because I pooped on the couch. Me: Great.
30. You will need to be patient:
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
31. There will also be times that make you laugh and go, "How and why did THAT come out of your brain, kid?"
Me tucking my son in: “I love you so much, I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world!” Him, 7: “Not even a Domino’s pizza delivery car?!”
32. Like, you will really want to know what's going on inside their brains:
My 3-year-old is running out of shit for me to do to delay his bedtime and it’s frankly getting increasingly Dadaist? Last night as I was closing the door he yelled “Wait! I need a…red plate for under my pillow!”
33. And if you have twins, their minds will be even more befuddling:
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
34. For the record, when your kid gets older, they'll still say stuff that makes you swallow hard:
Dropped my daughter off at school and she pointed out a teacher walking through the parking lot and nonchalantly said, “There’s Mr. Blobfish. He has a real name but he looks like a blob fish.” 7th graders are savage.
35. And their weirdness will extend to texts, too:
I sent my daughter a text and she responded with “I will look into this. Thank you.” So I guess we’re business associates now.
36. But in the end, the weird little things they say become the anecdotes you tell your friends:
4yo: I was really good at school today! Me: Why can't you be that way at home? 4yo: Because my brain tells me not to.
37. And you know what? They're pretty damn good anecdotes!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.