Parents·Posted on Sep 15, 201537 Parenting Tweets Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Every Time"I'm a Stay-At-Target-Mom."by Mike SpohrBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Danny Zuker @DannyZuker I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face. 03:51 PM - 14 Sep 2011 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: I don’t even like celery. 08:25 PM - 28 Feb 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Anna Faris @AnnaKFaris Potty training is going so great! I'm a natural! @prattprattpratt 11:30 PM - 03 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Jen Good @buriedwithkids Kids are just so... so... Awake in the mornings 11:42 AM - 11 Jul 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Ilana Wiles @mommyshorts Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours. 10:07 PM - 12 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Abhorrent Housewife @abhorrent_wife *looks up from phone* "Kids!! we're leaving the playground in 22 percent." 05:50 PM - 24 Jun 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Big Book of Tweets @bigbookoftweets From The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets. Buy it here! > http://t.co/2YKMP8LgaC 03:15 PM - 09 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Kim Holcomb @kimholcomb My kid complained there's "too much chocolate" in his ice cream so I'm making him read "The Road." 03:28 AM - 19 Apr 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Amy Shearn @amyshearn Overheard my husband telling my daughter, "You have to find just the right man." Walked in the room & realized they were building Lego cars. 05:40 PM - 04 Jan 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science. 01:30 AM - 06 Aug 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Ilana Wiles @mommyshorts #babeinamug #babymugging 02:37 AM - 28 Apr 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack Watching "Frozen" again with my daughter because we paid $19.99 to download it so she's going to fucking watch it every day until college. 10:03 PM - 09 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Kate Hall @KateWhineHall My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game. 02:46 AM - 01 Feb 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. The ParentNormal @ParentNormal I didn't see Fast & Furious over the weekend, but I drove a toddler home on the brink of sleep an hour past naptime, so I got the gist of it 02:47 PM - 06 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Lauren @WorkingMom86 What a great Father's Day gift idea! Buy it here http://t.co/qMbtAEFRrk 02:02 PM - 20 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Domestic Goddess @DomesticGoddss My parents had it so easy. When they gave me my first Polaroid, they never had to say "Oh and please don't take pictures of your junk." 04:27 PM - 02 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. SocaMom® @SocaMomDC Him: Mommy, what IS a postcard? Me: A prehistoric text message. Him: Did they send them on beepers? *blink* Me: No. Just... no. 01:57 PM - 19 Feb 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Cuppy @runawaycupcake Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children. 02:58 AM - 25 Jan 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. OneFunnyMummy @OneFunnyMummy Thanks for this awesome brought to life tweet! Check out and follow @Tweetercomics now! 11:22 PM - 20 Dec 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. 04:05 PM - 04 Sep 2011 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22 A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again." 02:27 AM - 19 Jul 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Jacques Nyemb @jnyemb Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar. 12:02 AM - 30 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4 One of my tweets brought to life in The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets! Pretty much how I look & feel! 02:05 PM - 17 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. inappropriate mom @nicfit75 It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge. 02:09 AM - 17 Jul 2012 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Simon Holland @simoncholland I'm at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid. 06:57 PM - 21 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Heather B. Armstrong @dooce "Now that you are here I can finally lose my shit." - kids when their moms show up to pick them up from anywhere. 08:51 PM - 16 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Tara Brown @Faux_Ma My Daughter and my modeling submissions for JCPenney. Sure hope we get picked. 04:33 AM - 17 Aug 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. mark @TheCatWhisprer Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito. 02:06 PM - 24 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Misstlovestrinkets @mstluvstrinkets People that use the phrase "sleep like a baby" clearly do not have any babies. 03:12 PM - 06 Dec 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Lauren @WorkingMom86 The new mom at my work is so cute, she's still enthusiastic and doesn't have a drinking problem yet. 06:59 PM - 31 Dec 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy You have one. more. chance. No lies. I can tell when you're lying. WHERE ARE MY KEYS 07:14 PM - 11 Sep 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Lurk @ Home Mom @LurkAtHomeMom Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles. 01:30 PM - 23 Jun 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. Tara Brown @Faux_Ma I'm a Stay-At-Target-Mom. 07:37 PM - 14 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Hot Breakfast @amydillon My son answers questions about his day like he's testifying in the Iran-Contra hearings. 11:22 PM - 01 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn I let my 3-year-old make her own dinner. She put candy corn on top cold pizza The apprentice has become the master. 11:23 PM - 13 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. carly kimmel @carlykimmel "Momma there's something wrong with this iPad." -2yo playing with etch-a-sketch. 10:11 PM - 15 Mar 2014 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. Mommy, for real. @MommyisForReal Tuesday: Day 1 of school, preschool, and back to work. Wednesday: Home with two sick kids. Classic. 02:41 PM - 09 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite