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31 Truths About Raising Kids That You Won’t Find In A Parenting Book

Because parenting is rarely by the book.

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5. The theme song from Ghostbusters makes for an awesome parent-kid jam long before it's appropriate for your kid to watch the actual movie.

6. When you desperately need a second to yourself, ask your kid to bring you something.


It doesn't matter what. It can be anything so long as it's from another room.

8. At some point your kid will say something in public that hugely embarrasses you.

Warner Bros.

There's no stopping it from happening, so start working on your IDGAF attitude now.


9. Don’t let your kid fall asleep within five minutes of getting home or they'll be up for hours.

Flickr: klif / Via Creative Commons

"Hey! Let's sing the 'We're Almost Home' song! WE'RE ALMOST HOME! NO SLEEPING! WE'RE ALMOST HOME!"

10. You will never be able to go to a McDonald’s with a Playland and leave without your kid playing in it.

Your kid may say they're fine with only having lunch on the way in, but they'll change their tune once they've polished off their Happy Meal.

12. Never give your toddler your phone without putting it on guided access.

Flickr: littlebiglens / Via Creative Commons

Otherwise they're liable to go on a binge of deleting apps and repeatedly texting "xjsadvbli457vw" to your boss.


15. You also need to know that your kid will be able to spot every unhealthy item you don't want them to have in the grocery store.

Channel 4 UK / Via

So scope out the aisles in advance and plan your shopping route accordingly.

18. Your kid will almost always rat you out to their other parent.

Warner Bros.

So if you have to say, "Don't tell your mother/father" before doing something, you probably shouldn't do it.


22. Try not to take it to heart when your kid says something rude like, "Why do you have so many more gray hairs than Tommy's mommy?"


Because it won't be long before they say something like, "You're the best mommy in the world!" (That one, of course, will be totally true.)


24. If you tell your kids that foods like broccoli and Brussels sprouts will make them pass gas, theyʼll suddenly be interested in eating them.

25. You should always think twice before offering anyone a ride.

Flickr: span112 / Via Creative Commons

Because it's all too easy to say, "Sure, you can ride with me!" then remember as you walk the 40 feet to your car that the inside is an absolute disaster area.

26. Nap time is when you get stuff done.

20th Century Fox

The books may tell you to nap when your kids nap, but this is time when you can take care of things without being interrupted every 30 seconds.

27. If you're not careful, your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.


To avoid this, set up a profile for your kid and use it whenever you search for shows for them. That way your profile will still suggest movies with actual adults in them.

28. Make your kid try to pee (whether they say they need to or not) whenever you leave a place with a toilet.


Because kids will say they don't have to pee until "I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HOLD IT OH NO I'M PEEING!"

29. Speaking of pee: Always bring a change of clothes not just for your kid, but for yourself too.

At some point you will get your kid's pee (or No. 2 or or spit-up) on your clothes while out in public.

30. Take toys your kid has lost interest in and put them in a box in the closet. Later, when your kid is bored, pull out the box and let your kid go “toy shopping.”

31. Lastly, make up a handshake or phrase of endearment you only use with your kid and no one else.


Your kid will never forget it, and it will still make them smile long after you're gone.

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