31 Assholes You Meet As A Parent
Have a kid, and they come out of the woodwork.
1. Anyone who says, “If you think it’s hard with one, wait until you have two!”
2. The person who says “You’re going to let him get that?” when your son wants a flower painted on his face.
3. Ditto to the person who says “Are you sure she wouldn’t prefer to be a princess?” when your daughter wants a Batman costume for Halloween.
4. The jerk who says “Put it away!” when you breastfeed in public.
5. But also the asshole who tells the bottle-feeding parent that “breastfed babies are smarter!”
6. The passenger on a plane who yells “Shut that kid up!” when you’re trying like hell to stop them from crying.
7. The lame-o who asks a dad “Are you sure you don’t want to call your wife and ask her?” before he makes a child-related decision.
8. The parent who sends their kid to school with peanut butter even though there are kids with nut allergies in their kid’s class.
9. The proud dispenser of unsolicited parenting advice.
10. The old timer who says, “You know in my day we didn’t let our kids…”
11. Anyone who asks a parent with three or more kids, “Do they all have the same dad?”
12. The child-free hipster who never fails to tell you, “Ugh. I hate kids.”
13. Also, anyone who says to a young parent, “Oy! Your poor parents!”
14. The “health expert” who chides you for getting your kid a quesadilla or chicken fingers (and adds, “My kids love salad!”).
15. The yahoos at the table next to you and your kid at a restaurant who drop endless F–bombs.
16. That clueless dude who asks you when you’re due…a month after you gave birth.
17. Anyone who asks adoptive parents, “Are you going to have any kids of your own?”
18. Randos in public who give your kid candy without asking your permission.
19. The jerk who needles a dad by saying, “Are you sure it’s yours?”
20. Also, anyone who refers to your kid as “it.”
21. The stranger who moons over your biracial baby, then says, “I just love mixed babies! They’re so exotic!”
22. The *hilarious* person who asks “Did they dress themselves?” when you show up somewhere after racing to get your family out the door.
23. Anyone who refers to your perfectly attractive jeans as “mom jeans.”
24. Also, anyone who refers to your “dad bod” when you show up at the pool.
25. The grand inquisitor who asks a stay-at-home parent, “What exactly do you do all day?”
26. The pop culture fanatic who shames you for not having immediately binged the latest Netflix hit.
27. Grandma/pa-types who say “You’ll miss these moments one day!” when your kid is shrieking at the top of their lungs after crapping their pants and shattering a jar of pickles at the store.
28. Also, the “just curious!” person who asks a working parent “Do you ever see your kids?”
29. Anybody who yells at your kid without one hell of a damn good reason.
30. Creepers who talk about loving MILFs and DILFs.
31. And lastly, toddlers. (Luckily for them, they’re cute.)