1. "My daughter's first word was 'shit.'"
2. "I cracked his head on the door frame."
"I spent 45 minutes rocking my newborn baby to sleep only to crack his head on the door frame while carrying him into his bedroom."
— Ericka Gorman Scalf, Facebook
3. "I didn't notice that my son had been dropping coins into the back of our television (this was before flatscreens) until it burst into flames."
4. "There was dead silence."
"I ordered a piñata for my 4-year-old's birthday party as several people told me kids loved them. The party was great and the kids hit the piñata with gusto, but when it broke open there was a dead silence. I was like, 'Where are the sweets?' I had no idea I was the one who needed to fill the bloody thing."
— Patricia Garrocho, Facebook
5. “I left the door open when I had sex.”
6. "I made my daughter howl in terror."
"I tried to swat a tree frog off our door one night. Instead of jumping in the direction I swatted it, the frog jumped toward us, landing on my 2-year-old daughter's face."
7. "I looked behind me and..."
"I was pulling my then 6-month-old son in a plastic sled and feeling proud when a man honked his car horn, so I waved. He honked again, flaying his arms about, so I looked behind me and saw the sled had flipped over and I was pulling it upside down. Thank goodness my son wasn't harmed."
8. "When my son was 4 I was helping him brush his teeth when he started screaming that it tasted funny. I’d mixed up the toothpaste and diaper rash cream!"
9. "Harmless, right?"
"My toddler pulled the cushions off the couch, unzipped the fabric, and was sitting INSIDE the cushions. Harmless, right? Photo op! After I took a few pictures I realized she wasn't wearing a diaper and had pooped in my cushion."
10. "I, uh, couldn't find my 6-month-old."
"I spent 10 minutes searching the house, calling out for him, imagining the worst that could have happened in the five minutes I was in the yard hanging out the clothes. Turns out he was wrapped to my back where he'd been since I started the washing."
— Sara Scomazzon, Facebook
11. "I sent my first grader to school dressed up in full pirate costume. Turns out Pirate Day wasn’t until Thursday."
12. "My kid licked the ass of my jeans."
"I sat in some cake frosting today. After I wiped most of it off my 2-year-old daughter creeped up behind me and licked the rest off the ass of my jeans."
— Sarah Leidhecker, Facebook
13. "He wanted 'the damn it.'"
"I didn't realize I had a habit of mumbling 'Damn it' every time I dropped something until my 2-year-old dropped a spoonful of Frosty in his car seat and said, 'Damn it!' I corrected him, telling him to instead say, 'Gee golly,' but he informed me, 'I don't want the gee golly, I want the damn it.'"
— Amber Marie Whitmer, Facebook
14. "I left the Vaseline in the room overnight and woke up to a toddler covered in it from head to toe."
15. "The house then got quiet..."
"My 3-year-old daughter asked me to turn her into a fish. Being a fantasy-loving mom I picked up my wooden spoon, waved it over her head, and said, 'You are a fish!' The house then got quiet, so I went looking for my daughter only to find her completely naked and attempting to climb into our 60-gallon fish tank."
— Linda Allison, Facebook
16. "The zipper on my daughter's winter coat got caught. In trying to free her, my husband’s hand slipped and he ended up punching her in the mouth and split her lip."
17. "I made the mistake of taking a shower."
"My 2- and 4-year-old kids were playing nicely in the playroom when I made the mistake of taking a shower. When I got out I heard strange voices coming from downstairs, so I quickly got dressed to see what was going on. In the short time I was in the shower my kids decided to visit the park next to our house with our dog. My neighbors realized my kids were alone and brought them home with the dog."
18. "There's just something funny about hearing a 5-year-old curse."
"When our child was telling us not to say 'shit' in front of her and her brother, we kept asking, 'What? We can't hear you.' She must've said it five times. There's just something funny about hearing a 5-year-old curse."
— Peggy Jones, Facebook
19. "I walked into my 2-year-old’s bedroom as he triumphantly shouted, 'MUM STICKERS!' His bedroom walls were covered in (unused) sanitary pads."
20. "And by ‘bic’ he means 'bitch.'”
"I sometimes curse when I'm driving, so now every time we're stopped at a red light my 2-year-old thinks it's necessary to scream, 'Go, go, go bic!' And by 'bic' he means 'bitch.'"
21. "I accidentally made my 2-year-old throw up while trying to help her brush her teeth."
22. "My daughter used condoms as toys."
"My mother-in-law was babysitting my daughter one night so my husband and I could go out on a date. When we returned home she very sheepishly handed over two dozen condoms and told us that our daughter kept bringing them to her and saying they were 'moneys' to pay for things."
— Whitney Murray, Facebook
23. "I wasn't giving my child 100% of my attention..."
"I thought my kid was asking me if he could play in the grass, so I was like, 'Yeah!' He was actually asking if he could poop in the grass."
— Dani Caldwel, Facebook
24. "During a middle-of-the-night feeding/changing session, I buttoned up the onesie, then put on the diaper. Needless to say, the onesie was drenched and filled just hours later."
25. "I was so sleepy obviously..."
"One night I woke up to feed my baby, and must not have closed the bottle all the way, because when I went to put the bottle into her mouth ALL of the milk spilled onto her face and pajamas."
— Dorothy Hernández Valderramos, Facebook
26. "My 6-month-old son knocked over my Dr Pepper and I didn't notice until I heard him slurping it off the floor."
27. "My son ate poop!"
"My son was watching TV on the floor in front of me when I caught him eating turds out of his diaper like it was popcorn. I panicked and called poison control. This is how the conversation went:
Me: 'My son ate poop!'
Operator: 'Pardon me?'
Me: 'My son ate poop!!' (I was crying by then)
Operator: 'Animal or human?' (She said it so calmly it was like she got this question multiple times a day)
Me: 'Human! My son ate his poop!'
Operator: 'He will be fine, miss. Just brush his teeth.'