From #MyKidIsWeird:
1. This one that's pure 😳:
My kid told me that my butt looked like a bag full of chicken nuggets. #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy said: "That's weird. Yeah, that's weird."
2. This mystery:
My nephew once sneezed out a Sour Patch Kid. I still have no idea where it came from #MyKidIsWeird @jimmyfallon
Jimmy said (in a kid's voice): "I found it on the sidewalk!"
3. This "been there" moment:
One of the kids in my class came out of the bathroom and quietly said to himself.. "Well that hurt..." #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy just LOL'd (and LOL'd) over this one.
4. This adorable weirdness:
@jimmyfallon my 3 year old asks to have her picture taken with store mannequins #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy said: "Aw, that's cute!"
5. This original excuse:
When I caught my daughter picking her nose, she said, "I'm putting it back in." #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy said: "It was a Sour Patch Kid!"
6. This "Yay, parenting!" moment:
@jimmyfallon My 9 year old daughter asked "Mommy when I grow up, will my boobs be as long as yours?" #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy said (in an angry mom voice): "Go to bed!"
7. This top secret sign:
Found this on the dining room wall. Asked our 4yo son what it meant; he said, "You can't know." #MyKidIsWeird
Jimmy said: "That's weird! 'What's it mean?' 'YOU CAN'T KNOW!'"
From #MomQuotes:
8. This savage mom move:
@jimmyfallon When my mom would drive us kids around, she would brake really hard to make us lean forward and she’d say “bow to Mom” Every. Single. Time. #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "That's right. Bow to mom."
9. And this almost catchphrase:
My mom made up her own saying in the 90s when the "talk to the hand" phase was popular. Hers was "talk to the palm, cause you aint the mom." #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "That's pretty good."
10. This new word:
@jimmyfallon One night my mom announced that we were having roast Bork for dinner. We asked her what that was and she said she defrosted something from the freezer and couldn’t tell if it was beef or pork #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "That's so my mom."
11. And this new slang word:
@jimmyfallon One time I called my mom “Bro” and she goes “I’m not your bro or your hoe, I’m your Mo” 😂 #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "Talk to the palm."
12. This "I don't think that means what you think it means" moment:
My mom told me she and the lady across the street were “Friends with Benefits.” I asked her what that meant, and she said “You know, we get each other’s mail when they’re out of town and stuff.” #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "Oooooh. OK."
13. And this "I don't think it works they way you think it does" moment:
@jimmyfallon My mom couldn’t find the movie she wanted on Netflix. “Oh well, someone else is probably watching it. I’ll try again tomorrow” #MomQuotes
Jimmy said: "Wha?"
From #DadQuotes:
14. This bit of truth:
Watching "Chicken Run," my dad suddenly exclaimed "yeah, right!All those chickens working together like that." #DadQuotes
Steve Higgins, Jimmy's announcer, said: "They're feeding us lies!"
15. This classic dad joke:
@jimmyfallon My first boyfriend played the saxophone in a ska band. When my dad met him, he told him to practice "safe sax" 🤦🏼♀️ #dadquotes
Jimmy said: "That's a dad. That IS a dad."
16. And this cool dad joke:
@jimmyfallon I called my dad to see if he had a stud finder and he casually replied, "mom's at work." #DadQuotes
Jimmy said: "Hey! Bingo!"
17. This IRL Homer Simpson quote:
When mom wouldn't let dad build a maze of beer cans in our yard he said "You're the cloak of darkness smothering my fire of fun." #DadQuotes
Jimmy said: "What? You want to build a maze out of beer cans!"
18. This actually good idea:
My dad once had a dream that he wrote a hit Easter song called "If It Hadn't Been for Christmas." #DadQuotes @FallonTonight @jimmyfallon
Jimmy, to Questlove: "We should write that with her dad and make that song!"
19. This embarrassment:
@jimmyfallon @FallonTonight Till this day, my dad still thinks Gwen says "there ain't no harm in that, girl!" instead of "I ain't no hollaback girl" #DadQuotes
Jimmy said: "This stuff is bandanas! B-A-N-D-A-N-A-S!"
From #MyFamilyIsWeird:
20. This thing that makes you go hmmm:
My mother orders frozen margaritas and then won't drink them because they are too cold. #MyFamilyIsWeird
Jimmy said (in a grandma voice): "Ugh! I can't drink that! These frozen margaritas are so cold!"
21. This whatever you call it:
My dad calls the minions from despicable me the dependables, morons, or pinions because he can't remember their proper name #MyFamilyIsWeird
Jimmy said (in a gruff dad voice): "I love those Morons! They're great!"
22. This safety tip:
@jimmyfallon When I was a kid, my dad cut the pointed tips off the party hats so we kids wouldn't poke each others' eyes out. #MyFamilyIsWeird
Jimmy said: "Well, you still have your eyes, so maybe he was right!"
23. This idea that is half batshit, half adorably awesome:
When my brother and I are away at college, my mom sets our scarecrows at the dinner table to have as guests. #MyFamilyIsWeird https://t.co/NOvsLgVFm5
Jimmy said (in a mom voice): "They're not eating their dinner again, honey."
24. And, well, same for this one:
my grandma had professional photos taken with one of her dolls and a stuffed monkey #MyFamilyIsWeird
Jimmy said: "Genius! Oh my goodness."
25. And lastly, this cool mom move:
#MyFamilyIsWeird Instead of XOXOXOXOXOX - my mom ends every email with MOMOMOMOMOMOMOMO!
Jimmy said: "MOMOMOMO!"
#VERYFUNNYJIMMY
