1. This mom who is at DGAF level 10:
Nothing says “I’ve got this parenting thing under control!” like using my son’s last juice box as a mixer.
2. This dad who is banned all around town:
Today’s assignment: Go to kids’ karate classes and keep screaming “FINISH HIM!”
3. This mom who had a #ToothFairyFail:
7yo: The tooth fairy didn’t come last night! Me: That bitch. 7: What? Me: What?
4. This mom whose convo went south fast:
Heard my 7yo call my 5yo a dick & I told her it isn’t a word she can say & she asked if she can say it when she’s 15 & I said no & she asked if she can say it when she’s an adult & I said no & she asked if she can say it in jail & I said if she goes to jail then she can say dick
5. This mom who is trying to be thankful:
I’m trying to enjoy every minute but kids are such freaking idiots most of the time.
6. And this mom who is hanging on by a thread:
The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it. We don't even own a boat.
7. This dad who needs to pay closer attention:
Just overheard my 5-year-old tell her sisters, "...and that's how you defuse a bomb," and now I feel like I should probably pay attention.
8. This mom who is 100% petty:
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
9. This mom who will play...but on her terms:
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me? Me: Of course! 3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be? Me: Sleeping Beauty. 3yo: How come you always pick her? Me: 3yo: Me: *already asleep on the couch*
10. This dad who made some mistakes somewhere:
Don’t know what’s worse 1) My 8yo called me upstairs to bring him a towel that was two feet away from him 2) I did it
11. Ditto for this dad:
me *brings toddler his juice* What do you say? toddler: Finally
12. This mom who is just hoping things work out:
I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
13. This mom who (almost) kept a straight face:
Pediatrician: They're only getting two hours of screen time a day, right? Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
14. These parents who are throwing in the towel:
Husband: So we've basically given up. Me: On what? H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
15. This mom who may never recover from embarrassment:
We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.
16. This mom with seriously lowered expectations:
What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world." What I say as a parent: "Stop licking the window."
17. This mom who really needs a break:
I don't like to point fingers, but sometimes I really want to point my middle finger at the 1yo.
18. And this dad who really needs one too:
I spent 20 minutes, 20. Fucking. Minutes. Convincing my kid to wear a coat, but yeah, congrats on your pregnancy.
19. This mom who needs to get off Twitter:
I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.
20. And this mom who probably has questions:
Me: "What would you like to get your teacher as end of year gift?" 7: "Beer."
21. This dad who ruined Christmas:
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
22. And this dad who ruined Halloween (probably):
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad
23. This mom (and dad) who are having issues:
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
24. This mom who is just trying to get through the day (whichever day it is):
That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."
25. And this mom who said a WHOLE LOT of truth:
I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.