If you have kids, you know: raising the little suckers isn't easy.
1. Like, it's really hard:
Raising the dead is easier than raising kids.
2. People without kids like to think us parents are exaggerating, but we really do wake up to things like THIS:
Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂
3. You've got to keep it together in the face of all the madness:
Parenting little kids is mostly screaming "What the fuck!" in your head, but really saying things like "No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger."
4. And you learn things...the hard way:
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
5. You don't always feel the love:
8-year-old: Do you have a favorite kid? Me: That would be like you having a favorite parent. 8: It's Mom.
6. And you're not even able to get two minutes of privacy:
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
7. THIS has become your idea of "relaxing":
You might be a mom if a brazilian wax is considered relaxing because it’s quiet and you get to lie down and close your eyes
8. Your partner might not help as much as you imagined:
My husband’s version of helping out with the kids is yelling “COME ON, GUYS!” from the couch.
9. And you'll have a smaller version of them to deal with, too:
Parenting is getting yelled at by a smaller version of your spouse.
10. Your kids are super chill when you ask them to do simple tasks:
I was a terrible mother and told my kids I hate them today. Well what I really said was, please pick your towels up off the floor but apparently it’s the same thing
11. And they're REALLY chill about going to sleep (chokes on sarcasm):
0.154268 seconds. That’s how long my preschooler spends lying on their pillow before proclaiming “it’s too hard to sleep!”
12. Also quite the challenge? Getting your kids to eat well:
me: you need to eat more fruit my kids: ok let’s make a smoothie me: my kids: me: not like that
13. In fact, your kids eating habits have probably come very close to breaking you (if they haven't already):
My kid: *refuses chicken nuggets and French fries* Also my kid: *hides behind the couch to eat lotion and diaper cream*
14. Sometimes you don't feel qualified to be a parent:
Understanding baby/toddler/children’s shoe sizing requires an advanced degree that I do not have.
15. And colds are like Pokémon...you'll catch them all:
“This is not what I meant by sharing” I yell at my kids after catching the fifth cold of the school year
16. Things get more than a little awkward at times:
I was driving with my son when he asked me about the meaning of a bumper sticker that said, "If you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair" and WTF?! Why wasn't he looking at his phone like a normal teen?!
17. And there are lots of meltdowns...which rarely make any rational sense:
Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year
18. Breaks are never really breaks:
Don’t wanna brag but today’s only the second day of winter break and my kids are already “so bored” and have “nothing to eat around here” so we’re way ahead of the game.
19. Any preconceived notions you had of how you would parent before kids have gone right out the window:
My parenting style can best be described as “whatever works in the moment”
20. And you've significantly lowered your expectations:
[Me before having kids] ME: I hope my child is absolutely brilliant and goes to Harvard! [Me after having kids] ME: I hope my child is exactly smart enough to go to a cheap state school but still smart enough to figure out how to work the meal plan for free food.
21. Frankly, you're not dealing with rational beings:
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
22. But every once in a while — just to keep you honest — they turn the tables:
My 4 year old came downstairs and asked me what his stuffed bunny did for a living. Over the next few minutes I guessed farmer, fireman, astronaut and race car driver until my son deadpanned, "he doesn't have a job because he's not real," while glaring at me like I'm an idiot.
23. It's fun:
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
24. Oh, and other parents are fun, too:
Freya’s mum brought her over to our house to give my twins a Christmas gift. Before she drove off she rolled down her window, looked me dead in the eye and said “have fun”. It’s clear. Freya’s mum is the evil mastermind
25. But in the end, you wouldn't trade it for anything because your little monsters turn into pretty incredible people:
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.