Good evening. We are not — I repeat NOT — under attack from aliens, zombies, or even Russian foot soldiers. We're also not under attack from any ghosts, Bigfoot, or chupacabras. Phew!
But if we WERE, well, there'd be no need for alarm... because this great nation (stands and salutes the flag) is full of some of the hardest mofos ever! Seriously, feast your eyes on:
1.This IRL superhero who — blushes! — will do whatever it takes to protect their city:
2.These baddies with Cheeto-dust fingers who think they could take this chimpanzee...and even rip off its arms if need be:
3.And this wannabe mountain man who is "confident" he could "kill a black bear with a spear":
4.This UFC fighter or Navy Seal (I'm not sure which but he's GOT to be one of the two) who only goes to Starbucks for one reason:
5.This guy wearing Mickey ears at Disneyland who is NOT to be messed with...at least that's what I'm taking from his sweatshirt:
6.Speaking of guys in sweatshirts...look at this toughie getting a six inch Turkey or whatever at Subway:
7.This badass who may not be wearing a sweatshirt at Subway, but he IS wearing FOUR freaking guns...to get (checks notes) a sandwich:
8.And this road warrior who is sporting at least two guns...to buy a vape cartridge:
9.This Amazon reviewer who is "something like a badass":
10.This guy who is definitely NOT a keyboard warrior:
11.This other guy who is definitely not a keyboard warrior:
12.This guy who talks tough on TikTok (you don't want to meet him in the streets, boy!):
13.And this tough guy who says being short is like being a "separate race":
14.This guy who DOES NOT WANT A FIST BUMP:
15.Stan, who says he'll kill you with a grenade or automatic rifle if you go near his flowers:
16.And this Marine living near a golf course who is telling you...don't come looking for your golf ball!!!:
17.This IRL action hero who destroys his enemies with "witty one liners":
18.This person who has an incredibly aggro thermometer in their backyard:
19.And both of these untouchable heroes...the deadlifting 14-year-old and the "pretty standard" guy:
20.This humorless Libertarian commenting on an A+ joke:
21.This guy who DESTROYS dry wall, y'all:
22.And this tough-talking roomie:
23.This renter with an amazingly OVER THE TOP response to being asked not to smoke on the property:
24.And this hot food king who can eat way hotter food than Gordon Ramsay:
The TLDR: DON'T EVEN TRY IT, aliens, zombies, ghosts, Bigfoot, chupacabras, or Russians, got it?
