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21 New Year's Resolutions By Toddlers

"I'm going to spend more time at the jungle gym."

1. "I'm going to stop licking all the balls in the ball pit."

2. "I won't lose my shit when my mom combs my hair."

3. "I won't squeeze out half a tub of toothpaste every time I brush my teeth. Also, I'll brush my teeth."

4. "I'll delete fewer of mom's apps."

5. "I'll play it cool around bubbles instead of clapping and giggling like a trained seal."

6. "I'm going to really work on not making out with myself in the mirror so much."

7. "I won't repeat the unfortunate marker incident of June, 2014."

8. "I'll try to give up pooping in the bath."

9. "I'm going to finally lose this baby weight."

10. "I'll make sure books aren't upside down when I pretend to read them. That's so awkward."

11. "I'll quit pissing off the dog so damn much."

12. "I will let my parents unload the dishwasher in peace. But man will I miss watching them freakout when I pretend to reach for a butter knife."

13. "I'm going to finally break down and figure out this utensil business."

14. "I'll have all of my middle of the night freakouts between the hours of one and four a.m. only."

15. I won't pull off my diaper and leave it on the middle of the floor."

16. "2015 will be the year I finally outsmart that goddamn baby gate."

17. "I won't toss as many random things into the cart when my parents aren't looking."

18. "I'm going to beat this mac and cheese addiction."

19. "I'll limit tantrums to 2-3 a week, tops."

20. "I'm going to master potty training.... but not before I eat a whole lot of M&M's, lol."

21. I'll try not to make this face when I hear we're having veggies for dinner."

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