1. Dads deal with a lot, like trying — emphasis on trying — to protect their kids' mortal souls:
Priest: What's inside you eventually comes out. 6-year-old: *whispering in my ear* He's talking about poop.
2. Reading bedtime stories:
Nothing is worse than reading your kid a bedtime story and flipping to a page with a bunch of words.
3. Making/trying to cook their kids breakfasts:
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
4. Playing hide-n-seek:
I played hide-n-seek with my daughters, but they never came to look for me. I gave up when my legs fell asleep from kneeling in a corner. "I FOUND YOU DADDY!" No you didn't, I quit.
5. And explaining the world to them:
Daughter: What does gays mean? Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'? Me: Er... read me the whole sentence Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze" Me: Oh
6. But despite it all they don't always get respect:
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip me: I can do it son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
7. Sometimes their kids don't even appreciate their jobs:
“Why are the butterflies sad?” 4-yr-old: “it’s because they know you are going to kill them for your work.” I am the curator of an insect collection. https://t.co/iQEjEk2nHP
8. And yet dads forge onward, looking out for their kid's hygiene:
I spray deodorant on my 12yo son while he's sleeping. You're welcome.
9. Encouraging their education:
My son started school today. I'm excited to meet all the new illnesses he'll be bringing home this fall.
10. Finding affordable ways to entertain them:
The cheapest theme park for four year olds is to take them through a car wash.
11. Letting their kids take risks:
In parenting, there are few non life-threatening situations more anxiety-inducing than watching a tiny human crack an egg.
12. Suffering through their kids' Fortnite obsession:
Dear Fortnite, I hope now that school has started you aren’t too lonely. My kids will come back to you around 3:30pm.
13. Not to mention the things they watch on YouTube:
My kids are watching videos of other people playing video games. What a time to be alive.
14. And accepting the new normal after kids:
*Car shopping* Sales person: What do you think of this one? Me: *Dumps all my kids' toys and some dry cereal in the backseat* It's perfect.
15. Look, they're not perfect, and they don't always know the right thing to do:
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle* wife: Do something me *starts throwing dollar bills* wife: Do something else
16. They make oopsies:
Took my son to the zoo yesterday for the first time ever and I realized I hadn’t explained what a hippo was and he just kept asking to go back and see the tooth pig
17. Sometimes they stay up too late:
I have a sleeping disorder. It's called “This is the only time I get to myself."
18. And that makes them even more tired the next day:
There should be more parenting books on ways to play with your children while you’re lying on the couch.
19. They can get cranky:
[Explaining my fantasy football draft] Is this boring you? Daughter: yes Me: This is how I feel when you tell me about a video on Youtube.
20. And, OK, maybe they're not all as funny as they think they are:
Dad’s are physically incapable of believing they’re not funny. There, I said it.
21. But through it all they love their kids to pieces, and — bless them — will continue their dadly duties even after they're gone:
[the reading of my will to my family after my death] LAWYER: “to my oldest daughter, I leave the pants & jacket of my favorite 3-piece suit…but to my youngest daughter, you get the vest of me” DAUGHTER: dammit, I thought we were finally done with these jokes