1. This excuse we should all start using:
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
2. And this excuse that's pretty smart too:
My new approach to washing the dishes is to not wash them and just tell people it's part of a science experiment my kids are doing.
3. This service we definitely need:
There should be a service where you can rent parents to go see your kids play sports in your place.
4. This impressive trick:
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
5. This foolproof way to feel good about your parenting:
Whenever I feel like a bad parent, I pick myself back up by thinking about the parents who brought their children to Jurassic World for vacation knowing exactly what happened at Jurassic Park.
6. This pathway to Twitter stardom:
Today my toddler farted at the dinner table, told me she broke her chair, and then burst out laughing. So, I gave her the password to my twitter account.
7. This parent-detection technique:
A pretty good way to tell if someone has kids is to ask them how many cups of coffee they drink just to get through a Wednesday.
8. This A+ cleaning tip:
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds I think my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
9. This A++ cleaning tip:
I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up. They won't do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few.
10. And this A+++ cleaning tip:
My dad is vacuuming while chewing sunflower seeds and he’s spitting them out right in front of the vacuum to clean them up as he goes. I have so much still to learn from this man that gave me life.
11. This ingenious way to protect your snacks:
Mom Truth #78: Sometimes I buy chips that are spicy because I know my kids won't eat them.
12. This clever idea which, sadly, probably won't work:
[walks into maternity ward with my teenagers] Nurse: Can I help you? Me: What's your return policy?
13. This payoff we can all get behind:
I know this would be wrong, but how much do you think I would have to pay my 5-yr-old's teachers to never send home another art project?
14. This idea, which is worth trying:
Alexa, feed my kids.
15. This "shopping with kids" survival strategy:
Anytime I take my kid to a store with a toy department, I always blast Eye Of The Tiger on the way there to help me stay strong when they freak out about whatever thing I refuse to buy them.
16. This next-phase baby wearing technique:
I’m totally into baby-wearing, but I mostly wear them as a hat.
17. This strategy for giving kids perspective:
My kid complained there's "too much chocolate" in his ice cream so I'm making him read "The Road."
18. This way to stay as cool as you were before kids:
I always choose the tiger when I ride a carousel so people know I mean business.
19. This legit resume tip:
If persuading my kids to eat the dinner I cook every night doesn't count as sales experience, I don't know what does.
20. This really honest tip for cooking for kids:
Making breakfast for a child: Step 1: take order. Step 2: make whatever you want because they're going to hate it & you'll end up eating it.
21. And this genius idea chip companies should get on, like, NOW:
Can the lady-friendly chips concept be converted to parent-friendly chips, so my daughter can't hear me crunching from the next room then come running to find me?