WARNING TO PEARL-CLUTCHING PARENTS: These parents are in a damn mood and guaranteed to upset your delicate sensibilities, so maybe you should just click out, OK?
As for the rest of you, you may proceed:
1.
Cops that pullover minivans are assholes. Like driving around five fucking kids isn’t punishment enough
2.
First time parent: “I really don’t like when you do that.” Second time parent: “YOU’RE BEING A DICK.”
3.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.
4.
Men naming their sons after them is a classic case of slapping your name on a completed project after someone else did all the work
5.
Tattoo Artist: So why April 14, 2007? Birth of your first child? Me: Haha no...the day before.
6.
Thinking about starting a business where I pick up parents from their homes, hand them a bottle of wine, drive them to an open field and let them scream at the top of their lungs for 20 minutes before dropping them back off at home. Million dollar idea.
7.
When you have kids, a three-day weekend is nothing but a painful reminder of what you've lost.
8.
Remember when you used to be able to pull into your drive way and just sit and listen to a song or two before you got out of the car? Well you can’t fucking do that when you have kids, say goodbye to your peace forever.
9.
My 4yo makes a lot of demands for someone who can’t drive and has no money.
10.
Friend: you guys gonna have another kid? Me: not sure yet. Friend: why? Me: well while we would like to have another baby, we would love to get back to sleeping and fucking.
11.
Pumpkin patches, so you can pay $50 for kids activities like “here, pet this goat” and “chip your tooth in this overcrowded bouncy house.”
12.
If you’ve never turned the volume on your car stereo up to drown out the sounds of your kids, are you really even a parent?
13.
Congratulations on your newborn. Both sides of your pillow are now the cool side since you hardly will ever use it again.
14.
I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real dick.”
15.
I never thought my spouse & I would argue over who “gets” to leave the house to pick up milk, but this is what parenthood does to you, people.
16.
You know when you’ve plugged your phone into a charger only to discover the charger wasn’t ever plugged into an outlet therefore your phone actually hasn’t been recharged at all? That’s what going to sleep for the night as a parent is like.
17.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one...that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
18.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
19.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
20.
Oh, you lost, your tooth? With only five minutes before bedtime? The tooth fairy must be thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. I’m sure she didn’t have anything else to do tonight. This is just so, so great.
21.
It's a "flipping the kids off behind their backs" sort of day.