19 "Perfect Parent" Tips Every Parent Should Know
It's never too late to be perfect.
1. Your kids will be grown before you know it, so be sure to soak up every single moment with them. Forgo sleeping, eating, and showering to ensure you’re always “in the moment.”
2. Sleep when the baby sleeps, but also cry when the baby cries, teethe when the baby teethes, and poop when the baby poops.
3. Instead of getting frustrated when your kid refuses to tell you how their day went, lurk outside of their classroom and spy on them so you already know.
4. Discipline your children without raising your voice. Instead, show them photos from a murder you secretly committed a decade earlier so they know you mean business.
5. Avoid always being on your cell phone in front of your children by destroying it in a blender and getting a rotary phone. You may also choose to communicate via courier pigeon, which is becoming increasingly popular among parents in Brooklyn and Silver Lake.
6. When your kids talk to you, stop everything you are doing and listen intently to their every last word even if you're being held at gunpoint, on fire, or in cardiac arrest.
7. Show your kids you love them by spending your life savings on a weekly singing telegram to come to their school. John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy” is a nice choice.
8. Encourage your kids individuality by letting them wear outfits they’ve crafted out of egg cartons, discarded banana peels, mason jars, and toilet paper rolls.
9. Avoid raising technology-obsessed kids by tricking them into thinking they live in an earlier, technology-free time period ala that M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Village.
10. If your parents try to make you feel bad about your parenting, “remind” them that they used to force you to run across the freeway at rush hour just for kicks. When they deny this ever happened, shout, “AND YOU DON’T EVER REMEMBER! SHAME!”
11. If your child says, “I hate you!” collapse into the fetal position and openly weep while pounding the floor and screaming, "WHY GOD, WHY? AFTER ALL I DID FOR THEM? WHY?!" This will discourage them from saying it again.
12. When feeling overwhelmed by your young children, remind yourself that this phase is much easier than the teenage years, when your kids will transform into monstrous, insect-like creatures.
13. Encourage your kids to eat well by consuming vegetables in front of them at all hours of the day. Gorge on broccoli as you give them a bath, force-feed yourself asparagus as you coach their soccer team, and sleep with a bowl of brussels sprouts in case your kid summons you into their room after a night terror.
14. Teach your kids to be fiscally responsible by making them work around the house 40-50 hours per week.
15. If you go to Disneyland with your kids, take photos of them throughout the day wearing different T-shirts. That way in ten years you will be able to tell them you took them to Disneyland a lot more than you actually did.
16. Introduce a new, time-saving parenting hack into your family’s routine every fifteen minutes. Continue to do this until you are able to complete your daily chores in under a minute.
17. Teach your baby sign language. Later, teach them Pig Latin, and finally Vandalic, the extinct language of ancient Germanic tribes.
18. Model how your kids should control their tempers by constantly saying "I'm fine!" while pushing all of your angry feelings deep, deep, deep down inside of you.
19. Remind yourself that even the most self-righteously “perfect” parent has bribed their kid with candy or handed over their phone so that they could zone on the couch for a minute.