1. Walking around way too long with your kid’s spit-up on your shirt.
2. Forgetting to switch the clean clothes into the dryer and having to rewash them the next day.
3. Collapsing into bed without brushing your teeth or washing your face — after forcing your kids to brush and wash theirs.
4. Passing gas in front of your kid in a way you would NEVER in front of any other human.
5. Eating the last of your kid’s fruit snacks and then telling them they’d finished the box off themselves.
6. Telling your kid to wipe their hands on your pants because the washroom was out of towels — or because your kid was deathly afraid of the hand blower.
7. “Forgetting” to tell your kid that the movie they wanted to see is out because it got a 9% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
8. Also “losing” your kid’s toy that does all the obnoxious beeping and whirling.
9. Knowing you should be cleaning or paying bills when the baby is asleep (or the kids are at school), but scrolling through Facebook instead.
10. Wiping your kid’s runny, booger-y nose with your hand when you had no tissue.
11. Ditching a dirty diaper in a public bathroom or trash can.
12. Ignoring the fact that — after changing your baby and thoroughly washing — you somehow still smell poo on your hands.
13. Biting off the leafy green part off your kid’s strawberries — or their grapes in half.
14. Postponing your kid’s bath an extra day because you are flat-out exhausted.
15. Telling your kids the police will come if they keep screaming at 4 a.m.
16. Making sure your kids look great when you go out in public, but looking like a hot mess yourself.
17. Occasionally letting your kid drain the battery on your cell phone because you. are. too. damn. tired.
18. Putting a couple towels down instead of changing the sheets when your toddler wets the bed at 3:46 a.m.
19. Falling asleep in your kid’s room until 4 a.m. and waking up on the floor —
or, if you’re lucky, awkwardly positioned in their tiny bed.