1. When it comes to sex, a lot changes after you have kids:
Sex before kids: raunchy Sex after kids: paunchy
2. Like, a LOT:
Marriage 1st Year. Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance? Me: *blushes* Marriage 6th Year: Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick? Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
3. Things may look the same:
Bite marks on your thighs in your 20's- You have an exciting sex life Bite marks on your thighs in your 30's- You have a teething toddler with poor impulse control
4. But they're absolutely not:
After spending a weekend apart: when first dating: clothes come off to have sex when married with kids: clothes come off to get a head start on laundry
5. Even your bed is different:
Things I can find in my bed after having kids: Tambourine A Barbie French Fries Bicycle Helmet Things I can’t find in my bed after having kids: Full Night of Sleep My Sex Drive
6. Sometimes it just doesn't happen:
Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.
7. It doesn't often happen at night:
Friend Without Kids: Last night, I was having sex with the wife and I totally saw a ghost. Me: Bullshit. Friend Without Kids: I swear to God. Ask her, she saw it t— Me: Come on, man. No one has sex at night.
8. And it doesn't often happen in morning:
“We’ll have morning sex again!” is the married with children version of “I’m gonna be an astronaut when I grow up!”
9. Oh, and say goodbye to vacation sex too:
Family vacations are great if you ignore all the money you spend and sex you don’t have.
10. When it DOES happen, it's almost a miracle:
Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
11. Just don't expect a lot of romance:
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
12. And you'd better be quiet and quick about it:
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."
13. Because of all this, you often have to convince yourself you've still got it:
My purse is like 50% Starbucks lid-stoppers & 50% stickers my kid wanted me to “save” for him but that doesn’t make me any less of a sex kitten
14. And you look for any confirmation that someone else thinks you've still got it:
wife: Are you having an affair? me [flattered that she thinks someone would have sex with me] Thank you
15. Soon you become interested in other things:
Welcome at parenthood. You will now think about sleep 725% more often than you think about sex.
16. And fantasize about other things:
Sex is great and all but have you ever gotten your kids to bed and had enough time to watch an entire movie without falling asleep halfway through?
17. Like, this is what excites you now, really:
Sure sex is great, but have you ever had complete strangers come up to you in a restaurant and tell you how well behaved your three little kids are???
18. Your kids, meanwhile, can even put a damper on strangers' sex lives:
Not sure what's more embarassing: being in a hotel room next to people having loud sex, or my 3yo knocking on the door between our rooms.
19. In conclusion, if your life were a movie, it'd be:
Mission Impossible 7: Parent Sex